I am very excited about my courses coming up in the next couple of months. I am registered into the JM (jump master) course happening in April, and am on the "list" for the SSI (skydive school instructor) course happening at some point this season (hopefully soon). My instructor certifications in these courses are very important to my UBBT goals. As one of my goals is to achieve Coach 2 certification with the NCCP by the end of season 09. To qualify for said goal, I have to have a C CoP license and either JM or SSI. I currently hold a B Cop license and my Coach 1 certification. It's all falling into place... I think.
The requirements for achieving licensing under the CoP's are not easy, and I in true lunacy style, have decided to achieve them in one season. A season that is only 6 months long. Factor in that the DZ is only open on weekends, I have a 6 day a week job, and my the family farm is in full field work mode during this time of year.... should be interesting. I've been told that setting reasonable goals is not my forte. Maybe one day I'll learn to listen.
So all that being said, I am looking forward to getting certified and checking one more thing off my list. The sense of accomplishment for personal/professional goals are very powerful and motivating. It's great to feed off one's own energy, but equally great to feed off the energy and enthusiasm of others sharing your journey.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Thank you for Believing
Last night I worked my advanced class pretty hard. I had them do their fitness test, and as usual, I had my "there's no whining in kung fu" attitude going. Yah I know, I'm a jerk.
They performed wonderfully, and I am very proud of each and everyone. They all stepped up and completed the task. Those finished first gave enthusiastic encouragement to those still struggling to finish. Truly a shining moment.
As I was striping them, one student said to me, kinda under his breath " Thanks for believing in me" I didn't really catch it at the time, and I mumbled something to the extent that all I expect is for them to try.
After he had already left, I realized what he said. Thank you for believing in me. What an incredible thing to say. What an outstanding compliment he gave me. What a vulnerable place to put himself in. Thank you for believing in me. I am truly honored.
Think about this for a minute. Someone has basically said that my belief in them is important to them. That it makes a difference. For what ever reason or how ever much it matters, my belief in them changes their situation for the better, and helps them achieve their goals.
What other goal could I have or achieve that is more fulfilling than the one I over looked last night. Something simple and quiet, yet powerful and inspiring. I feel bad for not paying closer attention for what was said at the time, but I am very happy I didn't lose it completely.
So know that all of you also make a difference and I am grateful that you believe in me.
Thank you
They performed wonderfully, and I am very proud of each and everyone. They all stepped up and completed the task. Those finished first gave enthusiastic encouragement to those still struggling to finish. Truly a shining moment.
As I was striping them, one student said to me, kinda under his breath " Thanks for believing in me" I didn't really catch it at the time, and I mumbled something to the extent that all I expect is for them to try.
After he had already left, I realized what he said. Thank you for believing in me. What an incredible thing to say. What an outstanding compliment he gave me. What a vulnerable place to put himself in. Thank you for believing in me. I am truly honored.
Think about this for a minute. Someone has basically said that my belief in them is important to them. That it makes a difference. For what ever reason or how ever much it matters, my belief in them changes their situation for the better, and helps them achieve their goals.
What other goal could I have or achieve that is more fulfilling than the one I over looked last night. Something simple and quiet, yet powerful and inspiring. I feel bad for not paying closer attention for what was said at the time, but I am very happy I didn't lose it completely.
So know that all of you also make a difference and I am grateful that you believe in me.
Thank you
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Inside the Well
I have heard many people say that suicide is the "cowards" way out. That it's senseless, selfish, the ultimate form of self pity.
To these people I say "Cram it! You clearly don't know what you are talking about."
Have you ever been inside the well? Have you ever been in the dark with no way out? Have you ever said your prayers at night asking not to wake up the next day, to simply die in your sleep? Have you ever asked why you exist if not for the pleasure others get from your torment? Have you ever cried yourself to sleep every night for years asking what you did to deserve this? Have you ever looked down the tunnel and seen the light disappear?
Some of you are thinking, nothing could be that bad. There is always hope, always power to change your circumstances, always a way out, all you have to do is ask for help.... allow me to enlighten you.
Don't get me wrong, I am by no means defending suicide, nor saying it is a way to solve your problems. What I am saying is that until you have lived that despair, pain, depression, fear, self loathing, with no self value, you are not qualified to pass judgement on one who has. Walk a mile in their shoes as it were. It's the longest mile you will ever walk.
There are ways out, agreed, but Can you imagine what it is like not to know that. Not to feel that there is anywhere you can turn. To be that truly alone. Not wanting to die, but seeing no other alternative. Can you imagine that place?
I hope you can't.
I don't have to imagine it. I've been there, I've lived it, and I have to tell you it changes a person.
I was "bullied". That is the term most commonly used. I was abused, tortured, experienced things that an adult would be arrested for doing to another human being. Yet the people who "bullied" me were never punished. It was never dealt with by the people "responsible" for my safety... as it was their children who inflicted the pain. Ironic isn't it?
For example, one day I came home with welts around my throat the exact pattern of the chain the boy had wrapped around my neck and choked me with. Choked me severely enough that the bruises lasted a long time. Another day the game was seeing who could make me cry, by any means. Unfortunately for them, I had over heard the plan, and refused to give them the satisfaction of breaking down. There were several bruises that day. That was only two days out of 9 years.
By age 10 I was vomiting blood from bleeding ulcers induced by stress. By 13 I was bulimic. I followed all the steps, tell a teacher, tell your parents, find help. The staff just kept assuring my parents they were taking care of it and that what I was telling them was inaccurate. That there was no need to change schools, everything would be fine. By 14, the light in the tunnel went out.
9 years and I was helpless to do anything to change my situation. I was a child, by law forced to go to school. Home schooling was not an option at that time. I was unable to get help from the people in charge, unable to remove myself from the situation, and unable to convince anyone that things were as bad as I said. What was I to do save learn to live in the dark, and finally try to leave it.
It's easy to say that It's only a few years. There was not much more time before you are out of there, and it's all over. When you have lived your life (age 5 to 14) in pain, every kind of pain, can anyone really expect you to see the difference a few more years makes. When every day is a lifetime, one you would give anything to avoid, one you don't know if you will literally survive, a few more years just isn't that small of a commitment.
So again, until you have walked that mile, seen life from inside the well, rethink your words. Empathy is important, but it is more than something we say. How do you help someone find hope, if you think it's right there in front of them. You might see it, but that doesn't mean they do. It doesn't mean telling them it's right in front of them is going to make the difference. But sometimes, all it takes is someone to listen, really listen, with out judgment. Sometimes that's enough to show them the light is still at the top of the well, and it can give them the power to climb.
To these people I say "Cram it! You clearly don't know what you are talking about."
Have you ever been inside the well? Have you ever been in the dark with no way out? Have you ever said your prayers at night asking not to wake up the next day, to simply die in your sleep? Have you ever asked why you exist if not for the pleasure others get from your torment? Have you ever cried yourself to sleep every night for years asking what you did to deserve this? Have you ever looked down the tunnel and seen the light disappear?
Some of you are thinking, nothing could be that bad. There is always hope, always power to change your circumstances, always a way out, all you have to do is ask for help.... allow me to enlighten you.
Don't get me wrong, I am by no means defending suicide, nor saying it is a way to solve your problems. What I am saying is that until you have lived that despair, pain, depression, fear, self loathing, with no self value, you are not qualified to pass judgement on one who has. Walk a mile in their shoes as it were. It's the longest mile you will ever walk.
There are ways out, agreed, but Can you imagine what it is like not to know that. Not to feel that there is anywhere you can turn. To be that truly alone. Not wanting to die, but seeing no other alternative. Can you imagine that place?
I hope you can't.
I don't have to imagine it. I've been there, I've lived it, and I have to tell you it changes a person.
I was "bullied". That is the term most commonly used. I was abused, tortured, experienced things that an adult would be arrested for doing to another human being. Yet the people who "bullied" me were never punished. It was never dealt with by the people "responsible" for my safety... as it was their children who inflicted the pain. Ironic isn't it?
For example, one day I came home with welts around my throat the exact pattern of the chain the boy had wrapped around my neck and choked me with. Choked me severely enough that the bruises lasted a long time. Another day the game was seeing who could make me cry, by any means. Unfortunately for them, I had over heard the plan, and refused to give them the satisfaction of breaking down. There were several bruises that day. That was only two days out of 9 years.
By age 10 I was vomiting blood from bleeding ulcers induced by stress. By 13 I was bulimic. I followed all the steps, tell a teacher, tell your parents, find help. The staff just kept assuring my parents they were taking care of it and that what I was telling them was inaccurate. That there was no need to change schools, everything would be fine. By 14, the light in the tunnel went out.
9 years and I was helpless to do anything to change my situation. I was a child, by law forced to go to school. Home schooling was not an option at that time. I was unable to get help from the people in charge, unable to remove myself from the situation, and unable to convince anyone that things were as bad as I said. What was I to do save learn to live in the dark, and finally try to leave it.
It's easy to say that It's only a few years. There was not much more time before you are out of there, and it's all over. When you have lived your life (age 5 to 14) in pain, every kind of pain, can anyone really expect you to see the difference a few more years makes. When every day is a lifetime, one you would give anything to avoid, one you don't know if you will literally survive, a few more years just isn't that small of a commitment.
So again, until you have walked that mile, seen life from inside the well, rethink your words. Empathy is important, but it is more than something we say. How do you help someone find hope, if you think it's right there in front of them. You might see it, but that doesn't mean they do. It doesn't mean telling them it's right in front of them is going to make the difference. But sometimes, all it takes is someone to listen, really listen, with out judgment. Sometimes that's enough to show them the light is still at the top of the well, and it can give them the power to climb.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Forgive?
So this may not be the best time to blog, seeing as I'm ticked off at a friend. Yet emotion can breed truth and expression of said truth. Not that I'm capable of hiding my feelings. I'm an "in your grill" kinda person.
What am I ticked off about? Well that's really not anyone's business save mine and the person facing my tantrum. I do bring it up for a reason besides behaving childishly and publicly announcing my ire.
For those who have not met me, I have a wicked bad temper. For those who have met me, you are probably thinking "Holy Understatement Batman!"
The point, and yes there is one, is that one has to understand their weaknesses, short comings, or dare I say faults, before one can fix them. Self improvement is the name of the game here people, and the only way to do that is look in the mirror, scrape off the protective rhetoric, and say "Mornin' Sunshine, you dysfunctional mess!"
There are two sides to every conflict. That is two participants, be they armies battle bound by oath and duty, or children squabbling over a toy. Both people are responsible for their actions. Both need to look inside themselves and realize that conflict can be resolved, and that with cooler heads, can be avoided.
So this brings me back to my rather charming personality resembling an irritated Siamese Cat coupled with the tact of a D8 bulldozer (and those are my good qualities). I could have helped to avoid conflict with my friend by not allowing my temper get raised. I have plenty of self control, all of the tools for conflict resolution, and enough experience to know that allowing myself to get upset is really not helping anything.
But the conflict hurt my feelings (yes I do have them) and I reacted emotionally. I didn't use the tools I have for dealing with conflict. I actually feel quite sheepish that I allowed myself to handle things in a less positive way.
So learn from my mistakes and try not to make them again. Dragons are known for being quick to anger, but we are even quicker to forgive. Maybe it makes up for something. Maybe it just gives me something else to work on.
What am I ticked off about? Well that's really not anyone's business save mine and the person facing my tantrum. I do bring it up for a reason besides behaving childishly and publicly announcing my ire.
For those who have not met me, I have a wicked bad temper. For those who have met me, you are probably thinking "Holy Understatement Batman!"
The point, and yes there is one, is that one has to understand their weaknesses, short comings, or dare I say faults, before one can fix them. Self improvement is the name of the game here people, and the only way to do that is look in the mirror, scrape off the protective rhetoric, and say "Mornin' Sunshine, you dysfunctional mess!"
There are two sides to every conflict. That is two participants, be they armies battle bound by oath and duty, or children squabbling over a toy. Both people are responsible for their actions. Both need to look inside themselves and realize that conflict can be resolved, and that with cooler heads, can be avoided.
So this brings me back to my rather charming personality resembling an irritated Siamese Cat coupled with the tact of a D8 bulldozer (and those are my good qualities). I could have helped to avoid conflict with my friend by not allowing my temper get raised. I have plenty of self control, all of the tools for conflict resolution, and enough experience to know that allowing myself to get upset is really not helping anything.
But the conflict hurt my feelings (yes I do have them) and I reacted emotionally. I didn't use the tools I have for dealing with conflict. I actually feel quite sheepish that I allowed myself to handle things in a less positive way.
So learn from my mistakes and try not to make them again. Dragons are known for being quick to anger, but we are even quicker to forgive. Maybe it makes up for something. Maybe it just gives me something else to work on.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Skydiving in Arizona
My friend Wendy brought her nephew Brian (centre) down to the drop zone on Monday 19/1/09. He is about 5 years old. He told us that he wanted to be a skydiver when he grows up, that he will jump every day, and he wanted to have his picture taken with a skydiver in all their gear (too cute).
I called my friend Blair (left) over and we took the shot. He got 2 divers for the price of one, lol. Then Blair and I got on the plane and did an 8 way jump with Lyal, Mark, Stan, Mark, Kevin, and Sandi. It was a lot of fun. Wendy and Brian spent the day watching us jump and had a great time seeing us come in to land.
Blue sky's guys!
Lisa
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Muse
It would seem that San Shou class is my muse. We worked on knife drills tonight, and those who know me understand what that means... Sifu is in a great mood now! We did fastest disarm, 2 man 1 knife game, and the major artery/tendon attack techniques. Boo-Yah!
I find myself wanting to journal after this class, which is very unusual as I would prefer to smash my head into a solid brick wall repeatedly than journal. Maybe I should play with knives more often. Could work.
A couple of the boys stayed after class to spar with one of our female students who is having some confidence issues in that area. You just know I had to play too. So the students worked together for a while and then I gloved up and had a go.
It was fun. I enjoy sparring and am glad that I am healthy enough to start doing it again. I'm rusty as an old spring, and my hip problem doesn't help, but it was still good. I worked up a sweat and had a chuckle. Apparently I have a perma-grin that was described as the "your gona pay" smile.
After the gloves came off, we chatted for a bit. One of the guys said that no matter who he talks to, everyone says the same thing. Martial arts changes lives. It's true, and it does so much so subtly that all of a sudden you wake up and wonder who was that jerk you used to be. At least I do.
So to the people who continue to change my life for the better, every last student, training mate, and member of my kung fu family..... Thanks. Now go practice or I'll kick you butt!
I find myself wanting to journal after this class, which is very unusual as I would prefer to smash my head into a solid brick wall repeatedly than journal. Maybe I should play with knives more often. Could work.
A couple of the boys stayed after class to spar with one of our female students who is having some confidence issues in that area. You just know I had to play too. So the students worked together for a while and then I gloved up and had a go.
It was fun. I enjoy sparring and am glad that I am healthy enough to start doing it again. I'm rusty as an old spring, and my hip problem doesn't help, but it was still good. I worked up a sweat and had a chuckle. Apparently I have a perma-grin that was described as the "your gona pay" smile.
After the gloves came off, we chatted for a bit. One of the guys said that no matter who he talks to, everyone says the same thing. Martial arts changes lives. It's true, and it does so much so subtly that all of a sudden you wake up and wonder who was that jerk you used to be. At least I do.
So to the people who continue to change my life for the better, every last student, training mate, and member of my kung fu family..... Thanks. Now go practice or I'll kick you butt!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Talking to Myself Again
I helped out with the San Shou class tonight. Peter was running it, and I was doing my daily 150's in the back of the room, followed by some light sparring with Randy. Then when the actual matches started, Randy and I corner judged. Up to that point my only contribution to the class was sucking up oxygen. What was I contributing to my students by doing my own thing?
Is it motivating for my guys to see me turning red and sweating. Counting my pushups 20 at a time, only to try to make it 25 per set for next week.... then 30, and so on.
Maybe, maybe not. I remember as a student not even noticing anyone else working out. It was just me and my goal. My will alone against my objective. I realize this sounds narsarsistic , but that is how I approached it. That was my world. Look out for yourself, cover your own back, because if you don't there will be knives in it. It was just me, and a whole lot of darkness.
What I did find profound and amazing is the talks after class. I hung on every word Master Brinker said. In my tangled and very rough history of life, there was sense, calm, and order to be found. An eye in the storm as it were. Those talks saved my life, not the kicking and punching, not the pushups and sit ups, not the achieving of belts with single minded determination.
The idea that there was light in the world. That there were choices and that control of one's destiny was attainable. For all the terrible things I survived, I had not lived. Kung fu's principles, and the belief my instructor had in me, taught me to trust other human beings. Taught me to be more than an angry, jaded, vengeful teenager. It got me an education, got me to quit smoking, reinforced my resolve not to get involved with drugs. But most of all, it kept me from attempting suicide again. Yes again.
I remember telling Travis Panasiuk that changing your life is like climbing a ladder. I had gone through many of the struggles he was facing. I told him that he was on the ladder, below him, trying to pull him down was his past. The people he cared about but were not always good for him. Many of them would try to pull him down off the ladder. To keep him from rising above what they have accepted as their life. I told him to remember to look up. Above him on that ladder were the people who wanted him to succeed. For every person below trying to stop him, there were many more, trying to pull him up. Trying to help him achieve his dreams. I had a long talk with him the night before he died, and the last thing I said was that he was going to be alright. That we believed in him. Less than 12 hours later he was killed in a car accident.
It's not the pushups, but the compassion. I told our guys tonight that they have to remember the balance. Power with control, assertiveness with empathy, but always compassion.
What are we but cold angry beings, if not for our ability to feel the warmth of others? To participate in their success, to mourn their sorrow. I've lived on the other side of empathy. Feeling only the anger and receiving only the abuse of others. It made me very hard, unforgiving, and above all angry. If not for the intent behind the lesson, I would not be who I am today. With out the talks at the end of class, I doubt very much I would be alive.
So no, I don't think my sweating and pushing myself physically has helped my students. I feel my contribution tonight was the reminder that we are all fragile in one way or another, and that we have the ability to empathize. An ability we need to use and encourage others to develop. It is about balance.
Hope you guys enjoy this blog, because when I come to my senses it's getting deleted. I'm not so much of a sharing, fuzzy feelings type, and there is a lot of very personal information here that I'm sure I'll regret posting. But in the mean time, find your passion, live your beliefs, and take some friends along for the ride.
Is it motivating for my guys to see me turning red and sweating. Counting my pushups 20 at a time, only to try to make it 25 per set for next week.... then 30, and so on.
Maybe, maybe not. I remember as a student not even noticing anyone else working out. It was just me and my goal. My will alone against my objective. I realize this sounds narsarsistic , but that is how I approached it. That was my world. Look out for yourself, cover your own back, because if you don't there will be knives in it. It was just me, and a whole lot of darkness.
What I did find profound and amazing is the talks after class. I hung on every word Master Brinker said. In my tangled and very rough history of life, there was sense, calm, and order to be found. An eye in the storm as it were. Those talks saved my life, not the kicking and punching, not the pushups and sit ups, not the achieving of belts with single minded determination.
The idea that there was light in the world. That there were choices and that control of one's destiny was attainable. For all the terrible things I survived, I had not lived. Kung fu's principles, and the belief my instructor had in me, taught me to trust other human beings. Taught me to be more than an angry, jaded, vengeful teenager. It got me an education, got me to quit smoking, reinforced my resolve not to get involved with drugs. But most of all, it kept me from attempting suicide again. Yes again.
I remember telling Travis Panasiuk that changing your life is like climbing a ladder. I had gone through many of the struggles he was facing. I told him that he was on the ladder, below him, trying to pull him down was his past. The people he cared about but were not always good for him. Many of them would try to pull him down off the ladder. To keep him from rising above what they have accepted as their life. I told him to remember to look up. Above him on that ladder were the people who wanted him to succeed. For every person below trying to stop him, there were many more, trying to pull him up. Trying to help him achieve his dreams. I had a long talk with him the night before he died, and the last thing I said was that he was going to be alright. That we believed in him. Less than 12 hours later he was killed in a car accident.
It's not the pushups, but the compassion. I told our guys tonight that they have to remember the balance. Power with control, assertiveness with empathy, but always compassion.
What are we but cold angry beings, if not for our ability to feel the warmth of others? To participate in their success, to mourn their sorrow. I've lived on the other side of empathy. Feeling only the anger and receiving only the abuse of others. It made me very hard, unforgiving, and above all angry. If not for the intent behind the lesson, I would not be who I am today. With out the talks at the end of class, I doubt very much I would be alive.
So no, I don't think my sweating and pushing myself physically has helped my students. I feel my contribution tonight was the reminder that we are all fragile in one way or another, and that we have the ability to empathize. An ability we need to use and encourage others to develop. It is about balance.
Hope you guys enjoy this blog, because when I come to my senses it's getting deleted. I'm not so much of a sharing, fuzzy feelings type, and there is a lot of very personal information here that I'm sure I'll regret posting. But in the mean time, find your passion, live your beliefs, and take some friends along for the ride.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
