Week 30

So late blog, having trouble writing one actually.  The urge to skip it for one week is overwhelming.  But a promise is a promise and I have to at least try.

It's been a long month, and last week up to today have been no easier.  There was an issue at work with some quality control and a lack of team work.  Which isn't so bad, but with all things being high octane, I pitched a bit of a fit on Thursday.  This particular fit resulted in a "Coaching Opportunity" artfully given by my manager, and resulting in an escalation process including a "strategy meeting" today for resolution of said escalation process.

As it turned out, I ultimately ended up with the resolution I was going for, but at the cost of much brain damage, little sleep and an extra scoop of anxiety.  Sadly not just for me.

Then there's the personal life.  I took my dad to the specialist last Monday because his Dr thinks he may have skin cancer.  Last time it was cancer in his kidney, which turned out well, so I'm hoping there is no reason for alarm.  Now I just have to convince him of that.  And this on the heals of my aunt dying of cancer a few weeks ago.  A long and horrific battle that ended a beautiful person all too soon.  Then there is Uncle Ray and Aunt Hazel who are also losing to cancer.  And Ray's wife Vicky in August.. also cancer.  So ya, been interesting.

K I'm exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically, and now I'm done sharing. TTFN

Week 29

As is the way of being tech challenged, I think it's finally sorted out why I keep getting myself locked out of mighty networks.  Turns out the spamming issue that was being triggered by my posts was from posting the link to the blog itself instead of just to the specific entry.  Because I was posting the blog link to mighty network every week, it read it as spam.  So hopefully this is going to be rectified by posting only to the entry itself.

So not a great blog post but at least i will be getting postings from mighty network and not missing any events of important announcements

Week 28

I've been horribly sick this week.  I was off work for 3 days and then was sent home on day 4.  Friday I worked from home on one of the rare occasions because I didn't want to pay for gas and parking for the day only to leave half way through. 

I am feeling much better and the summer cold or whatever it was has found a new home in my brother... sorry Jake.  But I should be right as rain to get back to work on Tuesday.  Only to have to take the next day off for my Aunt's funeral.  I mentioned in previous blogs that she had been battling brain and liver cancer for a while now.  She had been bedridden for nearly a year and they all but stopped having people into there house for the last few years because she just couldn't handle having people in.  It was too exhausting.  This wonderful lady who was always kind, respectful, spoke to me on an adult level even when I was a child has been slowly wasting away in the cruelest way possible.  She died last Saturday and the funeral is on Wednesday afternoon.  So I'll be taking another day off work to head down and attend.  At least she's no longer in pain.

My Aunt Noel was a very religious lady, and one that was extremely intelligent and kind.  She married my mom's brother Larry on my 10th birthday, and I remember her brother singing "The Rose" at the wedding.  It was the first time I had heard that song and it stuck.  The wedding was in Calgary in the river valley.  It was the first out door wedding I had attended... well from what I could remember anyway.  It was a very beautiful July day, sun shining, blooming flowers, and many things I remember, like "The Rose" becoming my favorite song, and going out an learning it as soon as I could when we got home.  Though I could never find a rendition of that particular song that lived up to her brother's version.  He has an amazing voice.  Extremely soulful and haunting.

Now to be clear, I am telling facts.  No implications, stereotypes or anything like that.  My aunt was AfricanCanadian.  My cousins are mulatto, and I defy anyone to speak against their value as people.  I only bring this up because of the before mentioned memories.  Her brother, an AfricanCanadian man, had an amazing singing voice.  Their whole family are highly educated and very musical including Auntie Noel.  This is a simple fact, one that should not require definition but somehow always does.  Our world has gotten overly politically correct and everyone seems to be hunting for racial oppression in every comment or phrase.  I find it highly irritating that one must be overly critical of one's own words lest someone find misconception or implication where none exists.  So yes, my AfricanCanadian relative and her family are very musical and if anyone wants to read bigotry into that, well they can go pound sand.

I digress.

So I was trying to write a blog about being sick this week and how that to tell the honest truth stressed me out.  I'm a part of 2 teams.  My team at work and my team with all of you.  End of August is not a good time to be sick, especially right before September long weekend.  Every contractor, homeowner, excavator and their dogs are digging.  Final push for the last long weekend before the snow.  Couple that with everyone wants to take holidays (especially on long weekends) and you have a high volume, short staff situation.  Most wouldn't worry about that, but lets be clear, I pride myself on having minimal sick time and will drag my sorry carcass to work as long as I feel it's safe for me to drive.  Believe me when I say, I was in no shape for anything but Ni Quill and sleeping.

Then there is my second team.  Last week of August is back to school week.  We have classes shut down by popular demand and take the opportunity to do the clean up, reno and general housekeeping for the kwoon.  It's a big job, but many hands make light work.  It's also a requirement for the IHC to take part.  I bring that up to highlight how important a time it is.  As any owner of anything will attest, buying something is the cheap part.  Keeping it in good condition is where all the time, sweat equity, and money really come into play.  So to keep the kwoon in top shape, everyone pulls together and lends their expertise to the projects.  Over the years it has become a social and somewhat of a bonding experience.  The potato bakes seem to be the highlight of the week.  We used to get pizza, but this is more healthy and has an almost camping out feeling.  At least that's my impression.

Anyway, there we are in the throws of one of the most important times of year for both teams, and I'm out for the count.  I felt a great amount of guilt, pressure, and stress for not being there.  To be really accurate I think in all the years we've had the kwoon (over 15 years now) I have only missed this event in it's entirety this once.  There have been times where I could only attend certain days or times, but I've always made it every year for at least 1 day.  Shame to see the streak die, but believe me, you guys didn't want to be anywhere near my germ infested coil.  And for the record, yes my brother is still speaking to me, but only in single syllables.

Looking back over this blog, I'm sounding pretty confrontational.  Or at least that's how it's coming across to me.  That isn't intentional, but I think a manifestation of grief, and probably still a bit of brain recuperation.  I could delete this and write a happy blog or something of less controversy, but would that not be self defeating?  We are supposed to write about the journey.  And sometimes the journey is ugly, hard, unpolished.  Life isn't this sterile existence free of conflict.  There are times where it's an emotional outhouse and we end up slogging through it.  Life isn't always what we want others to think it is.  We aren't always what we want others to think we are.  So here is the truth about me.  Today I'm an irritated, stressed, grieving, blunt hot mess.  Hope I didn't ruin the surprise at the end here.

Week 27

This week has been derailed so to speak.  My aunt with brain cancer died this weekend.  She has been suffering for years and is no longer suffering.  Funny how the living try to comfort themselves with the well being of the dead.

There are many traditions that are based in our own fears or in old survival tactics that are no longer needed in society.  Like Brides Maids & Grooms Men.  That practice came about with warring tribes where decoys were dressed up the same as the Bride and groom in order to keep the enemy from picking out who was getting married from the crowd.  It was in essence a survival tactic that has become tradition.  It now serves a completely different purpose, but the practice has survived.

And I think I'm coming down with a summer cold.  Off to bed.

Week 26

We are over the half way mark, and I find myself doing a constant inventory of everything I have left on my list.  I also find myself struggling with things that are outside the routine. 

Most of the requirements are trudging along - guitar lesson every friday night, dog training on the weekends, and so on.  But there are certain times of the year that things ball up.  End of August is haying, Beginning of September is new students, End of October Black Belt Gradings, Christmas (well that's a ball of brain damage that is self explanatory), January new student adults and their new year resolutions, well you get the idea.

There is a lot going on, and on, and on.  But somehow we check things off the list.  Not as many as I would like, but here and there is evidence of progress.  Somehow when you are invested in a process, you do what you do to make time for it. 

Part of all of that is reevaluating your progress and your goals.  Those that are finished, those that are ongoing.  For example, I'm finding having my guitar instructor off shore is far more tricky than I had anticipated.  We are still doing our lesson, but we are at the mercy of internet connections and band width.  it can be frustrating.  But I've committed to my instructor and he has committed to me, so we make it work.  We may have to reevaluate that in the future should we find this is not sustainable, but we put in the effort and don't give up out of hand. 

Anyway, I really have nothing of profound importance, just more of the same.  Stay focused, stay on it, and set  yourself up for success.  As much as possible anyway.

Week 25

There are things that go bump in the night.  When you grow up, you stop believing in them.  In the place of that darkness comes something more tangible but no less invasive.  Stress, pressure, being pulled in all directions.  These are the night terrors of the real world.  They are not ethereal like goblins and monsters, but they keep you awake as surely as the glowing eyes in the closet of your youth.  Sadly, these denizens of the night are not so easily dispelled as realizing the glowing eyes belong to the cat who is napping in your laundry hamper.

With them they bring other conditions.  From fatigue comes depression, a sense of loss of power, and the desire to walk away.  The question is, how do we get through it?  We keep going, we pull together if needed, but we do not stagnate.

I remember some years ago I was  having a rather horrible couple of weeks.  I was ready to pack up the dog and the horses and move to the mountains as a hermit, never to be seen again.  I was done with humans, responsibility, society, social and professional environment.  I just didn't want to play anymore.  I made a somewhat droopy post on facebook.  One of only a hand full per year, and the response I got was overwhelming.  My friends were on instant alert with well wishes and offers to be  there.  Strange as it was, one of my guy friends, a man of few words, just posted a link to a song.  Corny and Cliche as it may be, I listened to that song.  If you are going through hell, keep going, you will make it out the other side. 

That gave me pause.  How many times do we feel we are "in Hell".  Emotionally, intellectually, spiritually?  How many times do we say to ourselves, I'm in Hell.  That implies lack of motion.  If you are in something, you are not moving forward.  If you are not moving forward, you won't get through the other side.

So I answer my question, how do we get through?  Keep going, you will make it to the other side.  That has become a bit of a mantra for me when things are looking their blackest.  Just keep going, you will make it through.

Week 24

So I've learned a couple things this week.  For one, I may have fixed the problem with my blogs not having any paragraphs.  Turns out my blog was defaulting to HTML.  Little does this non computer savvy person know, but apparently that is a code writing setting so all proper paragraphs and literary settings don't exist in it's opinion.  So we will try the compose setting and see if that is the magic bullet it claims to be.

I have learned that though taking guitar lessons over the internet when your instructor moves to the other side of the planet is possible, it comes with it's on set of frustrations when the bandwidth drops and you lose the live video meeting 7 times.  So we try to find a way to decrease the issues and soldier on.  Maybe I could go to Bali and get my lessons once a week... na the jet lag would kill me.

I have learned that if a skunk sprays something the smell will dissipate with time, but a dedicated puppy can find the stink and roll in it, leaving a slight almost ghost of a skunk smell.  So very attractive.  Especially when combined with the wonderful scent of swamp mud and pond water.  For the record, daily baths are not something baby T-Rex enjoys.

I already knew that time went at break neck speed and that there are not enough hours in the day, days in the weeks, and so on, but I keep finding myself thinking that I'll get it all done... lying to yourself does not make things work out.  #justsayin  Somehow you just have to pony up and get it done.  Amazing who sickness makes the pile higher.  Head down, move forward.

I have learned a great many other things, but lets face it, this is barely interesting.  So we'll move on.  I didn't take a "holiday" this year.  Except at Christmas.  I do my best to always book Christmas off, if for nothing else but a sanity check.  I just booked a long weekend here, a midweek day there.  I'm really missing the actual shutdown time.  But with everything going on, it's probably better this way.  I don't have the extra time to spend doing nothing.  Again, I schedule time to do laundry.  How sad is that?

But I digress, remember the positives and wish me luck with the blog fix.  I'm sure once I hit publish we will know if there really is hope for technology.  #technologysucks #justsayin