Week 5

This week went terminally slow and incredibly fast all at the same time. Talk about your time paradox. Perhaps a resolution can be found by someone more clever than I. I'm not here to talk about temporal and spacial displacement... at least not today. My conundrum, query, postulation if you will, for the week is the line between disbelief and full on jaded skepticism. The difference between, Am I buying what your selling? and Don't even unpack the crapola, I'm not interested in hearing it. Where is that line, and how does one get to that point? For example. Historically I work with some people who have what we lovingly refer to as the "Klinger Files". For those unversed in the M*A*S*H television series Klinger was a corporal who would stop at nothing to get out of the Korean War, Army and any duties there in. One of the more entertaining episodes is when during a reprimand of his lates ploys, he tried to convince his CO he needs a hardship discharge because both of his brothers were killed. Col. Blake turns around and pulls out a file, confirming with Klinger that his issue was deceased brothers. Upon opening the file, he flips through several identical letters with various people dying and others pregnant. The crowing jewel was the letter detailing that half the family was dying and the other half was pregnant. Hence the origin of the "Klinger Files". So back to reality. I work with people who have their own version of the Klinger File. It's sad, but true. Some of the numbers and "reasons" for their lack of attendance/engagement would make your head spin. I'm amazed any number of the leadership team have not gone bald for ripping out their hair. Enter the paradox. Each person needs to be treated as an individual, and you cannot judge one persons actions or needs by experiences you have had with others. Unfortunately you can't ignore life experience and common behaviours either. Do not sit in judgement, but Do not go blindly. So where exactly is that line. Thing is, I have a person in my sphere that has been here for around 2 weeks. I don't know this person, and I have no idea if I am getting legit reasons or Klinger File fodder for their lack of attendance/engagement. I try not to (and should not) judge them by the history of others as those histories are solely the property of those creating them. But I'm not just off the truck either. Said person has provided only their word for justification of their actions. And though I feel a great swell of empathy for the reason they give, I also have a great deal of doubt and no point of reference or evidence that their reason is true. Is this person going through a tragedy or are they full of it? I have no way of knowing for sure short of demanding proof, and is that really something one should do right out of the gate. Should this person not be given the benefit of the doubt. I guess that depends on who is benefiting. So there it is. I have no doubt I am jaded toward being fed a line of creative facts and I have no doubt how I came to this place of narrowed perspective. The question is, am I being played, or am I judging someone for someone else's sins. Time will tell.

Week 4

I had many topics to blog this week, but it's been such a cluster of a week that everything seems muddled. Hence the Saturday blog. You see there is a method to the madness for blogging on Friday. For this such occasion I still have a day's grace to get a blog up and running. And I do mean running. My brain is like a hamster on a wheel and there is a very read danger of that fat lil bugger flying across the room. So then what to blog about. Well for starters we are 4 weeks in. Not sure if anyone else is feeling the crunch but man that went fast. It's shard to believe we are past the half way mark in March. Seriously, where has the time gone. 2 more weeks and we will be a 1/4 way through this year. dun dun daaaa. So I sit her blogging, between throwing a ball for the most spoiled puppy in the farm's history, and think if only I had it that good. Her biggest stresses are going to the dog wash and not having a designated human for ball throwing purposes. Must be nice. I suppose I should have a moral to the blog, every great blog has one... hahahaha, almost got that out with a straight face. So remember that as long has you have a warm place to sleep, enough food, and family who cares about you, everything else is a 1st world problem. Keep that in perspective and you have it made.

Week 3

The idea of the blogging is to share the journey. To document it, to publicly be accountable for it. This is a lofty goal, but what exactly does that mean. Does that mean I admit to picking up my guitar only to have my brain fall out? Or to put ticks in a ledger for how much physical activity one does. Granted those are all part of it, but it gives me cause to wonder if there isn't more. "More? What are you a nut?" you say. Well probably but hear me out. I was overthinking again and I wondered how fast some of the requirements could come off the list. It's a big list, and I'm all about getting anything I can off my plate. If I worked really hard, could I record 100 acts of kindness a week? Doing them is no issue, I must hold a door or elevator for someone 10 times a day or more. Writing it down accurately is the issue. That's not to say once the letter of the task is complete that it loses it's importance. Continuing to be mindful and kind is not something that has an expiration date or quota. At least I don't think they should. So ya, 1000 acts of kindness in 10 weeks, that was my private personal goal. Am I on track, sort of. I'm in the high 280's in 3 weeks, so it's coming along. The issue again is the recording. I've done the background think, the check list if you will. Always keep a book and pen with me, always write them down right away, etc. Truth is, I still find myself at the end of the day (or few days) scrambling to get it all down. That begets the questions did I get them all, am I just revving the engine counting the same act for different people...sounds good but doesn't get you anywhere. I like the idea of being mindful and remembering our manners, but when it comes down to the secretarial end of it, it's less fun then a smashed finger. It also puts some harsh realizations about yourself right in your face. For example, I am very boring. I go to work, I be nice (usually), I go to class, I practice, I go home, I be nice, I sleep, repeat. Not going to win any awards for being creative or spontaneous with that. But then, all things in time.

Week 2

Lately I've had several conversations with Sifu Hayes about how our thought patterns change as you age. Some pretty cool stuff, he's an intelligent guy. One such topic regarded how your brain changes how it processes information around every 10 years or so. Thinking back on the time, I have to admit I do see some fundamental perception shifts every decade or so. I remember looking back at 30 something and thinking "was I ever that young" while listening to the 20 somethings around me. At Christmas my sister and I were in the kitchen listening to our teenage nephews challenge each other about having life figured out and all we could do was chuckle together and enjoy how the kids were in a rush to sound grown up. Silly kids. The thing is I didn't expect this "aging brain" to affect how I learn. I've always been a huge advocate of continueing learning, asking the questions, and working to find ways to make the knowledge stick. I've never had a problem learning new things and my learning curve has always been super fast. So maybe that is why I feel taken aback that I'm no longer able to keep up to my old self. Something about old dogs if I remember correctly. Maybe I have gotten so entrenched in my comfort zone that I didn't realize I wasn't challenging myself hard enough. I think back to "but I learned to do this and it wasn't an issue" only to remember that was how many years ago? Surfing 2000, Skydiving 2006, Scuba diving 2010. But it seams like yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been stagnating. I've just started thinking about why I am feeling like I'm struggling with my lofty new goals. Why I feel like I'm not progressing with my forms, weapon and guitar as quickly as I would have "once upon a time". Thing is I'm getting positive feedback, and I believe and value that feedback. I just seem to remember learning was so much easier in the past. Granted we're all our own worst critic, and I've always had a harder line with myself than is probably healthy. I guess this situation took me by surprise. I've always practiced new things, I've just never worried about being able to retain them before. Sounds arrogant. Really arrogant. But that's not my intention. This isn't a cry for help, nor is it intended to lament the passage of time. I just find it curious that I am perceiving such a dramatic change in my definition of normal progression. I feel a bit like I'm in uncharted waters. Which doesn't bother me per say, it's just different. When I travel, I rarely know where I am going. I get in my vehicle, point it a random direction and watch for shiny things along the way. Its more irritating than worrisome. The bottom line is this team, this journey we are taking in the Year of the Dog, comes down to recognizing where we are, being honest and not sugar coating the truth. I find myself thinking about why the body and mind work the way they do and not just taking for granted that they do. Something to mull over perhaps. Not to worry though. My mid life crisis was last year, and I have the motorcycle to prove it.

Week 1

Here I was with big plans to do a strong blog post. I was going to talk about my strategies for the year, my first guitar lesson, forms progress, having over 80 acts of kindness for the week, the lot. But after much aggravation with Google's 2 step verification process on an account that was set up under and email address that no longer exists, and it's complete refusal to accept any attempt to log in (even though I have the correct password) I find myself sitting here in the middle of the night, tired, irritated and quite thoroughly stuffed after several hours of attempting to resurrect it. It would appear my old blog will become a thing of the past. Yay technology >_< So this will be my blog post for week 1 of the year of the dog. Not what I wanted, but if nothing else, there is something to show for my trials. Blogging, though not something most of us have a really strong passion for, is never the less an important part of the IHC. Probably one of the most important parts actually. Lets face it, we all get together twice a week, and promptly go into our own little space. We concentrate on our own requirements, and our team effort is defined by small conversation and not stabbing each other. Not a lot of bonding on a large scale happening there. So the we have monthly meetings. Lots of value, checking in with each other, sharing frustrations and success. But again, how many go out of those meetings and sustain the warm and fuzzies past a few hours. So when do we bond? When do we get to pull together? Strange and ironic as it may seem, our most intimate conversations, exchanges of thoughts, and cries for help come from an online forum. I've told several people, this is your opportunity to find your voice. But how we use that voice is unique to each person. This is an opportunity to share and open up, to call attention to issues you find important, or to just scream into the nothingness of cyberspace. Still the irony cracks me up, but that could just be from being overly tired and irritated with google. But I digress. Tomorrow is another day and I can try again to save my blog. Apparently I get nostalgic when I don't get enough sleep.

Another Spring

Today was a montage of random situations. From the pressure of work, to the serenity of anticipating the return of our eagles, it has had many faces and perspectives. Perhaps a day of reflection. A day of resetting. A day of anticipation. That's a loaded word. Anticipation. Most commonly associated with something positive, the true meaning of the word is neutral at best. To anticipate something is to expect it to happen and react according to the expectation not the action. So here I am, the spectrum of this day broad and diverse, and I find myself Anticipating Spring. Another spring. Now I'm not a spring person at the best of times. The mud and mess from run off is relentless. But it has it's positive aspects as well. But it's not the change in weather that has me running amok emotionally. It's the connotations and fears that come with Spring. 3 years ago May long weekend, my friend John had a major heart attack under canopy and went in. His death was splattered all over the news and everyone felt the need to express their uninformed opinion as to the circumstances, his character, and his life style choices. But the fact remained, John was dead, and I missed my friend. 2 years ago May long weekend, my friend Dr. Dave went in while base jumping in the grand canyon. Once again I was greeted with news images of speculation and implications. Yet I can still hear in my head. "Lisa? It's Tina. We lost Dr. Dave." "What do you MEAN we lost Dr. Dave?" "He went in at the Canyon, no one knows what happened. He was last off the ledge and didn't land. They found him on the hike back out." "..." Last spring, my friend Gabe died base jumping in the Rockies. Are we seeing a pattern here? There is choice and loss. But that is acceptable, understandable, something we choose to manage. We make the choice and manage the risk. And the questions are always the same. "Did you hear?" "Do you know this person?" "Are you going to quit now?" "Are you going to quit now?" From one perspective perhaps a reasonable question. But do you quit driving when someone is killed in a car accident. Doesn't sound reasonable does it. But believe it or not, it is the same thing. We make and informed choice, we accept the potential consequences, we manage the risk. But that doesn't stop the mind from anticipating, from fearing, from running. Will I lose another friend this year? Who could it be? How do I communicate to others that they are persons who are more than the implied sum of their actions. They say Knowledge Dispels Fear... but What Dispels Anticipation?

Friends and Losses

Sunday we lost a friend, brother, father, son, loved one. I haven't known what to say. Gabe was my friend. Somehow that doesn't sum it up. Many have heard me say, "Gabe isn't a person, Gabe is an experience. One must Experience Gabe." I morn that no one will have the opportunity to gain and appreciate the impact of that Experience. Kim wrote a beautiful statement, I admit it, it made me cry. In it she mentioned his Passion. If there was ever a word to describe this man, that was it. Passion. The only thing I could add to that would be it's intensity. Gabe wasn't just passionate - he was Fiercely Passionate. If he felt something was worth taking time out of his day to do, he went at it like a force of nature. This was a man who loved his Wife and Children openly and with everything he was. He always spoke of how lucky he was to have their love, and his eyes shone with pride with everything concerning them. I truly felt sorry for any boy who would dare look twice at his little girl. There was that same intense joy in the things he did. Many of us may not of understood what gave him the ideas and drive, but on some level, I'm sure most of us appreciated the vitality he put into them. Gabe was many things to many people. He had a bluntness that I respected. If he was thinking it, he would say it. Right or wrong, you knew exactly where you stood with him. There aren't enough people in the world with that quality. There were times to laugh, times to dive into deep discussions from the heart, and yes even times I wanted to smoke him upside the head. But there was always that foundation of respect, and I always knew if I needed help, he would be there for me. I hope he knew it was mutual. I was very disturbed by the news cast Monday night regarding his life and death. In it they took a part of Kim's statement and I felt implied that he drove her away, choosing an activity over his family. Not remotely true. Kim spoke of not asking him to choose between the people he loved and the life he loved. To ask him to give up his passions would be to ask him to give up being who he was, and it would change him from the person she so selflessly loved. That was her message, selfless love for a man who shared her life, a love he returned regardless of their address. Everyone knew who he was. Someone mentioned his name, everyone knew who you were talking about. He was a person who impacted the lives of those around him. From his dark razor like humor, to his ability to make you feel like he was not only listening to you, but truly cared about you. He was someone not easily understood, described, or catalogued. He was an Experience. One I will miss. Rest in peace knowing those you loved are loved and will be watched over in your absence. To you Gabe, I say good bye, be safe my friend, and Blue Skies.