Something in the works

Once again I find myself with nothing to say, yet here I am at the keyboard typing away. I read Sifu Shipalesky's blog in reference to our student who offered her running shoes to an elderly lady, and remember that student telling me that same story. She had real doubts as to how to approach the situation, not wanting to offend the lady in question, yet she followed through with what her gut told her. Have to say the phrase "I'm proud" just doesn't cover it.

We have always been a strong group of people, yet we have allowed ourselves to back down to doubt and social correctness. In that, I mean that we refrain from following our hearts to keep from potentially embarrassing someone else. Yet the leadership and the wisdom we have only makes us and our community stronger. A hard balance to maintain. I am glad to say that the requirements of the UBBT has given us the resolve to trust our judgement and deal with the potential consequences as they arise, instead of allowing the moment to pass us by. It's very refreshing.

In fact, this post saved my day. I was feeling rather down, and being reminded of our student's generosity and the pride Sifu Shipalesky has in her made me feel much better.

I was on the phone today with one of my best friends. He and I text almost everyday and talk on the phone a couple times a week. (very unusual for me, I'm anti social at the best of times) He was feeling discouraged with his job situation (economy in the toilet and all). We talked for a long time about his situation and then it was my turn to unload.

I joked about getting a skilled worker immigration document and taking off to Australia, something I have always wanted to do. But a joke is all it is. My life is very much grounded here. To my surprise, he told me to go for it. I kinda laughed it off, but it was still in the back of my brain. Like I said, was having an off day and the thought of packing up and taking off was appealing.

When you are feeling sorry for yourself and assuming you don't make a difference in the big picture, it's easy to justify those types of fantasies. Drop your responsibilities and take off. Not something I would do, but nice to think about.

Then I read Sifu's post and realized that something small, but personally challenging can make all the difference. Just walking with someone and listening to them. A very precious gift, yet so easily given. All it takes is the guts to walk up to a person and make that bridge. Like I said proud doesn't cover it.

Thanks for the reminder and the cheer up guys. I won't book my flight just yet, lol.

Another Step

I am very excited about my courses coming up in the next couple of months. I am registered into the JM (jump master) course happening in April, and am on the "list" for the SSI (skydive school instructor) course happening at some point this season (hopefully soon). My instructor certifications in these courses are very important to my UBBT goals. As one of my goals is to achieve Coach 2 certification with the NCCP by the end of season 09. To qualify for said goal, I have to have a C CoP license and either JM or SSI. I currently hold a B Cop license and my Coach 1 certification. It's all falling into place... I think.

The requirements for achieving licensing under the CoP's are not easy, and I in true lunacy style, have decided to achieve them in one season. A season that is only 6 months long. Factor in that the DZ is only open on weekends, I have a 6 day a week job, and my the family farm is in full field work mode during this time of year.... should be interesting. I've been told that setting reasonable goals is not my forte. Maybe one day I'll learn to listen.

So all that being said, I am looking forward to getting certified and checking one more thing off my list. The sense of accomplishment for personal/professional goals are very powerful and motivating. It's great to feed off one's own energy, but equally great to feed off the energy and enthusiasm of others sharing your journey.

Thank you for Believing

Last night I worked my advanced class pretty hard. I had them do their fitness test, and as usual, I had my "there's no whining in kung fu" attitude going. Yah I know, I'm a jerk.

They performed wonderfully, and I am very proud of each and everyone. They all stepped up and completed the task. Those finished first gave enthusiastic encouragement to those still struggling to finish. Truly a shining moment.

As I was striping them, one student said to me, kinda under his breath " Thanks for believing in me" I didn't really catch it at the time, and I mumbled something to the extent that all I expect is for them to try.

After he had already left, I realized what he said. Thank you for believing in me. What an incredible thing to say. What an outstanding compliment he gave me. What a vulnerable place to put himself in. Thank you for believing in me. I am truly honored.

Think about this for a minute. Someone has basically said that my belief in them is important to them. That it makes a difference. For what ever reason or how ever much it matters, my belief in them changes their situation for the better, and helps them achieve their goals.

What other goal could I have or achieve that is more fulfilling than the one I over looked last night. Something simple and quiet, yet powerful and inspiring. I feel bad for not paying closer attention for what was said at the time, but I am very happy I didn't lose it completely.

So know that all of you also make a difference and I am grateful that you believe in me.

Thank you

Inside the Well

I have heard many people say that suicide is the "cowards" way out. That it's senseless, selfish, the ultimate form of self pity.

To these people I say "Cram it! You clearly don't know what you are talking about."

Have you ever been inside the well? Have you ever been in the dark with no way out? Have you ever said your prayers at night asking not to wake up the next day, to simply die in your sleep? Have you ever asked why you exist if not for the pleasure others get from your torment? Have you ever cried yourself to sleep every night for years asking what you did to deserve this? Have you ever looked down the tunnel and seen the light disappear?

Some of you are thinking, nothing could be that bad. There is always hope, always power to change your circumstances, always a way out, all you have to do is ask for help.... allow me to enlighten you.

Don't get me wrong, I am by no means defending suicide, nor saying it is a way to solve your problems. What I am saying is that until you have lived that despair, pain, depression, fear, self loathing, with no self value, you are not qualified to pass judgement on one who has. Walk a mile in their shoes as it were. It's the longest mile you will ever walk.

There are ways out, agreed, but Can you imagine what it is like not to know that. Not to feel that there is anywhere you can turn. To be that truly alone. Not wanting to die, but seeing no other alternative. Can you imagine that place?

I hope you can't.

I don't have to imagine it. I've been there, I've lived it, and I have to tell you it changes a person.

I was "bullied". That is the term most commonly used. I was abused, tortured, experienced things that an adult would be arrested for doing to another human being. Yet the people who "bullied" me were never punished. It was never dealt with by the people "responsible" for my safety... as it was their children who inflicted the pain. Ironic isn't it?

For example, one day I came home with welts around my throat the exact pattern of the chain the boy had wrapped around my neck and choked me with. Choked me severely enough that the bruises lasted a long time. Another day the game was seeing who could make me cry, by any means. Unfortunately for them, I had over heard the plan, and refused to give them the satisfaction of breaking down. There were several bruises that day. That was only two days out of 9 years.

By age 10 I was vomiting blood from bleeding ulcers induced by stress. By 13 I was bulimic. I followed all the steps, tell a teacher, tell your parents, find help. The staff just kept assuring my parents they were taking care of it and that what I was telling them was inaccurate. That there was no need to change schools, everything would be fine. By 14, the light in the tunnel went out.

9 years and I was helpless to do anything to change my situation. I was a child, by law forced to go to school. Home schooling was not an option at that time. I was unable to get help from the people in charge, unable to remove myself from the situation, and unable to convince anyone that things were as bad as I said. What was I to do save learn to live in the dark, and finally try to leave it.

It's easy to say that It's only a few years. There was not much more time before you are out of there, and it's all over. When you have lived your life (age 5 to 14) in pain, every kind of pain, can anyone really expect you to see the difference a few more years makes. When every day is a lifetime, one you would give anything to avoid, one you don't know if you will literally survive, a few more years just isn't that small of a commitment.

So again, until you have walked that mile, seen life from inside the well, rethink your words. Empathy is important, but it is more than something we say. How do you help someone find hope, if you think it's right there in front of them. You might see it, but that doesn't mean they do. It doesn't mean telling them it's right in front of them is going to make the difference. But sometimes, all it takes is someone to listen, really listen, with out judgment. Sometimes that's enough to show them the light is still at the top of the well, and it can give them the power to climb.