Christmas Post

I hope everyone had a good Christmas, and will have a good New Year as well. There were lots of phone calls at my parents place from relatives, some international calls, some from the other side of the country, some.. well you get the idea.

I have mixed feelings about Christmas. My family concentrates on being together first, and everything else later. Many years we have not bought presents for each other (finances better utilized elsewhere) and not body cares if that's the case. Just dinner and hanging out is what we are interested in.

I do find that I get annoyed with the "Tis the Season" that people go on about. As if it's okay to be a jerk 11 months a year, but come December, we're just nice as pie. It's fake and insulting. I have no problems with not being everyone's friend. Really don't care actually. I'm as much of a jerk at Christmas as I am any other time of year, but at least I'm honest about it.

I guess accountability and awareness come into play yet again.

Bucket List

I was at our Christmas Party for Eden North on Saturday. As always it was a lot of fun. I miss seeing my friends often, and the off season is generally very busy for all of us. Needless to say, the periodical gatherings we have are a blessing.

I was talking with Tina and Blair at one point. Tina is moving to New Zealand in February to go to school. Blair is from New Zealand, and we were all chatting about all the things to do. (I'm into surfing and any type of beach/water sport.) Blair advised taking in a rugby game, traveling to the wild island, and swimming with sharks.... yes swimming with sharks.

Now I realize that we are skydivers and as a rule a little nuts to begin with, but swimming with sharks is kinda out there, even for us. Or so I thought. First I asked him if he was nuts, and he said that swimming with sharks is no big deal. To which Tina said "But it's a SHARK". In his laid back kiwi style he answered "Do you get attacked by a bear every time you go in the woods?" Well obviously not, but bears are not in the habit of biting a chunk out of something to satisfy their curiosity. All in what you grow up with I guess. When your back yard has Great Whites in it, it's no big deal.

The evening progressed and we went our separate ways, but the idea of swimming with sharks being no big deal stuck with me. We're talking about a fish the size of my truck that's main desire in life is consumption... and things like Orcas are on the menu. I've seen the Jaws movies, and though they were based on a bull shark that killed 3 people in the Hudson river over 100 years ago, it still makes me think our lovely Kiwi is out of his mind. But then so am I.

I've not been able to get the idea out of my head, and it has made it's way onto my bucket list. Things to do before kicking that big bucket in the sky. Many of the things I have already done, many I have not. Seeing Uluru (Ayers Rock), Stone Henge, Blarney Castle, Notre Dame Cathedral, base jumping in Norway, base jump from a helicopter, bungie jump from a helicopter, bungie jump in New Zealand, and now swimming with sharks are still on the list.

We always say one day, but the tickets don't buy themselves.... something to look into. For now, I'll just concentrate on getting through Christmas with out stuffing anyone in a stocking.

Time

Another week has slipped away. It never ceases to amaze me how fast it goes. What power it would be to command tempest. Yet we are slaves to the clock.... doesn't seem right.

ouch

I was just in an accident with my truck. I'm fine, just shaken up, and the guy that hit me isn't hurt either... that's what's important.

So I'm just a little sad that my truck is banged up, but there are worst things.

Faces in the Mirror

Empathy is something that most people are oblivious to. I've been meaning to write this particular blog for quite some time, but have not done so thus far.

It has to do with reflections of UBBT6, with empathy, with acts of kindness, and most of all how we view our work and those in it.

Many people, myself included, have been mentioning how awareness and mindfulness have increased this last year. Something I have noticed is as people, we classify others as disposable humans. The person who pumps your gas, the server that brings your meal, the custodian who cleans up after us. When was the last time you spoke with someone in a "lesser" profession, much less looked them in the eye and said "Thank You" and actually meant it?

The most common one I've picked up on is the serving staff. They bring your meal, ask how things are, and clean up after you. How many of you could tell what colour their hair is? What their name is? If they smiled when you spoke with them? How many of us just say thank you with out looking up or breaking stride in our conversation? How many of us just ignore them completely? How does it become okay for our society to treat a person with a complete lack of respect and total indifference simply because of their job? Do we know if this person is putting themselves through med school, or supporting a single income family? Do we care?

How many of us are annoyed by the constant attention, and then further annoyed when we finally get rid of the server only to need something and they aren't around? I've had service based jobs before, and people can be major jerks. Looking down on you, or not even noticing you at all. I'm not really sure which is worse. I do know how we treat others is a reflection of ourselves. Are we worthy of more respect just because we are the one being served? I think not.

Personally, I try to look someone in the eye and say a real thank you every time. I try to be mindful of the fact that manors out of habit are not really manors. They are a reaction like catching a ball at the last second before it cranks you one in the head. Something you have trained yourself to do with out thought or focus. It's not really polite, just habit, but better than nothing in a sense.

I tip the kid who pumps gas for me at the station. Sure he's getting paid to do it, but lets face it, when it's -40 and I don't have to get out of my toasty warm truck to refuel, the least I can do is buy him a coffee.

So mindfulness and keeping empathy awareness paramount in our minds has been something UBBT has given to us. If we were mindful before, we have gained the skill of becoming more so. If not, we have learned a new and valuable social skill. Something to think about.

Reflections

As SRKF students we are given the assignment to write "What Kung Fu Has Done For Me". This assignment is then presented during our black belt promotion to the entire student body, fellow black belts, and guests. The purpose is to think about (obviously) what training in the martial arts has done for us, how it has changed us, and what paths we have chosen for ourselves in our lives and the influence Kung Fu has had on them.

We, the UBBT Team 6 Student Members have been given this same assignment in regards to the UBBT journey. Once again a time to think about the effect the choices and challenges of this journey has had on us.

Understanding what Kung Fu has done for me is extremely easy for me to define. It has quite literally saved my life. I would not be who I am with out it. I very much doubt I would have lived as long as I have with out it. But that is another story.

What UBBT has done for me is exceedingly more difficult to verbalize. It has not done nearly as much for me as my kung fu has, and it never could. No offense, but that's just the way it is. But what has it done? I will try to guide you on this journey from my eyes.

For our school, it has rekindled the passion in a lot of the black belts. Some of our guys were struggling, lacking in a sense of purpose. Finding it hard to discover the progress they felt prior to black belt. This journey helped them realize their goals and focus their training. Their increased presence inspired our non black belt students to strive for higher levels of excellence. Once again we were leading by example, and our students and black belts flourished. Some of those signing up for team 7 are border line rabid as far as rallying for the second go around.

For my team mates, again it gave them a sense of purpose, and the creativity was most impressive. I witnessed personal growth in individuals and success that they did not believe themselves capable of. I saw a real increase of people moving beyond the constraints of protocol and into friendships. A banding together of people to accomplish something, and becoming family.

For myself, I have achieved many personal goals more quickly than I would have anticipated. In true form, I set myself a break neck pace, and fate only knows how, forced my way through. I have reinforced the belief that anything is possible, you just have to want it bad enough AND put in the sweat equity to get it.

It has made me come to depend on my team mates in a way I never have before. I miss working out with them when I am doing over time at my job. I find myself missing the kwoon, and those with in it, as I'm rarely if ever there (or so it seems at least).

I have found that through this journey, I have become less forgiving of the excuses and words like "can't" or "I wish". If you think you can't, guess what... you're right. If you aren't willing to try, willing to fail, and willing to try again, well there's nothing anyone can do for you. Set yourself up for success, and what do you know, you will eventually succeed.

I have been forced, and yes I do mean forced, to blog. This has in turn forced me to be more open to others. I gotta tell you, not real impressed about that. But it has, with out doubt or reservation, forced me to expand my world. My family will attest to the fact that if you are not someone I see daily, you will fade out of my life.

One of my sisters lives @ 2000 miles away. The only time I call, text, or email her is in response to something she has sent me. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but I am very busy, and I'm a lot anti social. She and I have very little in common, and rarely see eye to eye. Actually we spend most of our time snarling at each other. Much to my shame, she and her family are not a priority for me. How many of you know she had a child @ 4 months ago. I'm not even positive what day her daughter (my niece) was born on. I think it's July 16th, but don't quote me on that. I haven't met Ninja (Nena Josephine) yet, and I'm not all that worried about meeting her. I know that makes me the biggest crank pot on the planet, but I have no emotional attachment to her. For both Ninja's and my sake, I hope that changes once I actually meet her.

I have been exposed to the world in ways I never thought I would ever allow. I have confessed to having my inner demons, and have basically dared the world to disapprove. This is what I am, for good or bad, this is it.

I don't think that the UBBT journey has changed me, but it has forced me to show what is already there. Somehow, I don't think this blog is finished. This assignment is not one that can be completed easily. It calls for more reflection, requires a chance to evolve, and perhaps teach me what I have learned.

Life, the Universe, and the Number 42

Some will know the reference the title makes, some not. Meh, it is what it is.

I've been very angry lately. There is a lot going into that, some of which can be shared, some of which is none of anyone's business. What else is new.

There she goes again, making it very clear that the lines in the sand are still drawn. That's just who I am I guess. My one sister describes me as a very private person, where as my other sister views me as crass. Most likely the same thing, only their perspectives differ.

I find this time of year very complicated. I am referring to Remembrance Day. I've always felt that one day a year is insufficient to properly honor those who gave their very beings for us. More so that I know many people currently serving over seas, and many more in the process of preparing to deploy. Perhaps it is also affected by having known someone who did not return from war. Hard to believe it's going to be 2.5 years come December. Time is a merciless mistress, but our mistress all the same.

Anger seems to be an old friend. I have had many occasions where it's all that has kept me going. A place where the last reserves of strength hide. It's by no means healthy, but it is there. Harness it and control it's outlet. Define it and defuse it. Learn to live with the potential, and be in control.

That's a funny word, isn't it? Control. There are so very many things that we do not have control of. We have the illusion of control, but no actual power. I guess that is why it's so easy to release control of the things we do have power over. Easy to make the excuses and shirk responsibility. But that's all they are, excuses.

Doesn't change anything. Bottom line you still have to deal with your baggage. No one else can do it for you, they can help if you open yourself to them, but they can't do it for you. You just gota put on your big girl undies and deal with it. Easy advise to give, following through is another matter.

Log in Log out

Life can be so mundane. Work, sleep, repeat. Sometimes, the schedules we keep ourselves to makes your soul scream for something else. They say a change is as good as a rest. I guess that is true, but getting back to basics is even better.

I attended our annual year end at the DZ. I saw the people that make my life unique, as each one of them is special. (sometimes in a olympic sense) But just to sit by the fire and talk, laugh, and just be. No where to go, no expectations. Just them and the moment. It felt really good.

Then back to work today, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.... well you get the idea. (and the shakespeare reference) ;P

But I digress, what we do and think define us. We make ourselves ordinary, just as we make ourselves extraordinary. My friends help keep me pushing beyond. As 3WA puts it... Who does this @#$%?

WE DO.

Chauvinist VS Feminist

Don't get your undies in a twist, this isn't a gender bashing blog. It's one about self awareness. Something happened at work yesterday that gave me conflicted emotions. Well not really emotions, more conflicted reaction, way of thinking. Kinda hard to explain, but I'll try.

First of all I don't consider myself a feminist. Stop laughing... seriously, you can quit any time now.

I really don't see myself that way. I was once told I was the good kind of feminist, what ever that means. But regardless I don't see myself as someone who feels the need to "fight for equality" or what ever it is feminists do. I'm just a person who was raised to work hard and get the job done. As a matter of fact, I very much like old fashioned manners. Having the door held for me, or having someone offer to help me with something heavy is a nice treat. I rather enjoy it, if it is done out of politeness. When done out of the assumption that I can't lift something because I'm physically inferior, I tend to get a little miffed.

Gender had very little to do with work load on the farm. As a child I was throwing hay and straw bales that weighed the same as I did over a fence that was pretty much as tall as I was. The cattle were hungary, and all five of us pitched in to get them fed, every night. My brothers, sisters, and I just got the job done together, summer or winter, end of discussion. There was no "can't" about it. Get it done, and move onto the next task, what ever that was. Be it lifting rollers up to their place when my father was working on the round bailer, or holding up the break system on the D4, driving the tractor & working the front end loader, using the hydraulic lift, working the grain auger, ect. Be it using or fixing heavy equipment or doing the dinner dishes, the work came first. Having fun was for after the work was done.

So back to what happened at my job. I work for a general contractor, as a lead hand supervising several divisions. Part of my job is training new staff. We hired a new guy that I have been training to run the truck mount, as well as anything else I can throw at him. He's really been a gem. Smart, easy going, and a very hard worker. He's 5'5" and has forearms about the size of my calf. Built like a brick out house for sure.

So anyway, I've been training him on theses different machines. One of which is pretty heavy, 100+ lbs, and I'm lifting it in and out of the back of the truck to go from job site to job site. "Big D" (as the boss calls him), would always grab a side and help me with the lifting in and out. No big deal. Yesterday he asked me how I was transporting it when on my own. So I showed him. I picked it up and put it in the truck, and then I picked it up again and lifted it out of the truck. I have a bit of a technique to make sure I'm not straining myself (well too bad anyway). He was still impressed with my upper body strength, but understood the concept of the technique.

He then said "okay, I'll do it from now on so you don't have to lift it anymore". BAM! instant collision of thoughts. Part of me was like "that's really nice of him" and part of me was like "what ever Sparky, I've been lifting this thing long before you showed up on the scene". Some guys would get a nasty look for saying that to me, but I really don't think he meant anything by it.

This has been causing me to think, and rethink a lot of things. Guys in general, have been put into a very harsh situation. If they try to show old school manners, they are chauvinists, and if they don't, they are jerks. Nothing new here, I've always empathized with that particular double standard. Darned if they do, darned if they don't.

What I didn't really expect was the conflict in myself. I'm a quick judge of character. I didn't say a good judge, just a quick judge. I decide very quickly who I like and who I don't . I like "Big D", and don't take him for the type who looks down on women. It's obvious that he is unused to working with women in a labor intensive job, and having them keep up with him, but he always presents himself respectfully. Even if he is surprised at the things I am capable of.

It's just for the first time, I kinda felt like a feminist. Against someone who did nothing wrong toward me. It surprised me to feel that conflict of emotions. I felt like I was in no man's land and opted to give an non commitment response of "yah what ever". What else was I to say? "Take off you harry little troll, I can do it myself". Not the response that would have been optimal.

So I just said okay, and continued on with the work. It was all good, and I'm enjoying working with him. I'll have to do some more soul searching though. Figure out what makes me tick and all that. Meh, work in progress.

Time & Theories

Time just speeds by. I am feeling the crunch especially pronounced this weekend. UBBT has been an aggressive journey, and like all journeys, this one has a conclusion. Sadly, it's intended conclusion races closer, and I find myself with an entire list of things still unaccomplished.

My JM certification in one of the big reasons I'm feeling the pressure. Our season ends October 31, and that is the last opportunity to finish off my student dispatch requirements. The problem is, the past 4 weeks in a row have been garbage weather. Low ceilings, high winds, and snow this week just to make it interesting. I have until April of 2010 to complete my IAD's, but our season doesn't start up again until May 2010. You guessed it, I'm trying for an extension. Perhaps Fate will smile on me in a good way, as opposed to her twisted sense of humor kinda way.

One of my other requirements is to write a thesis on technique evolution. So since it's not sunny and +15 out there (like it was supposed to be) I'll put the short version up here.

Basically, as has been said so many times before, there are 18 basic concepts of motion in our style. The first 17 are the ability to properly align and snap and therefore transfer power.

Control (in a physical sense) is depth of penetration into one's target. The ability to adjust motion, target, and force dynamically is crucial to control. An ability developed over years of practice and repetition.

Through out the martial arts, it is important to fully UNDERSTAND a complete style/system. Having the ability to regurgitate technique on command is not the same as comprehension. With out proper understanding of a complete system, it is extremely difficult to adapt to another system. One can dabble, even become proficient, but one will never be truly great if their body is not trained along with their mind. Go ahead and disagree, and feel free to cram your argument where ever you traditionally cram things. I'm really not interested in debating the issue.

Moving on, the first phase of technique evolution is of course understanding your system, what ever system that is. Understanding where power is generated from, path or vector your technique follows, and how it will affect the intended target. Choreography is weakest when it lacks realism. One can have great ideas for technique, but if buddy just stands there like a fence post while you whack the stuffing out of him, it just doesn't look right. It is no different when you are applying technique. If you are attempting a wrist lock, and do not understand how that relates and translates to other areas of the body, how can you identify when you have achieved the lock? Not all people feel pain the same way, nor do all people have equal flexibility. If you are only relying on the "tap" to tell you when you have achieved the lock, you are missing the biggest part of the technique.

Not all techniques release power from the same area. To be clear, all power generates from the centre (in our style), but the point of release of said technique varies. There are hinged techniques, core techniques, extended techniques, and so on up to and including internal/external rotations. For example, a thrust punch is an internal rotation, and an inverted back fist is an external rotation. A round house is a hinged technique, as is a back fist. Where as a stiff swinging back kick is both a hinged techniques as well as an extended technique. Cannon punches are also extended techniques.

Once you understand your style/system, you can build upon the principles. This is where we get into follow up techniques and climbing techniques. Creativity is then brought into play. Technique follows a basic principle in our style. Deal with the attack, soften opponent to extend time, finish opponent. This can be simultaneous, or progressive. Intent behind the initial movement will determine this. It will also determine what the options available to you will be. Calming the Ocean is a great example. There are limitless combinations of follow through techniques with this one movement. They are all related to each other, and flow with in each other. Again the intent when begun dictates the initial response. Have you opened or closed your opponent? Are you utilizing soft or hard blocking? Are you using a simultaneous or progressive counter? Each application of initial movement directly relates to the finish.

Evolution of technique is how one builds on to basics. Moving from wrist lock, to shoulder lock, to neck submission. Taking the same initial movement and turning it into multiple variations of results. Results that may not remotely resemble each other at their conclusion, but are related in their fundamental mechanics.

Evolution also comes from building techniques together. Beginning with one technique and flowing into others. Understanding alignment and positioning come into play here. When does it become important to close/increase distance? Physics behind balance of your opponent in relation to the natural hinges of the body will affect what techniques will flow together. Is your opponent grounded, or extended and off balance? Are you touching your opponent allowing a sticky hands application, or are you at an increased distance, requiring another approach?

Where you build from is as important as what you build. And no, the relationship between techniques in our style is not written down somewhere for study. That would defeat the purpose. One has to learn evolution of technique by DOING the system/style. It is not something you can learn from a book or article. Muscle memory and ability are not something that come from reading. They come from sweat, focus, and passion. Like it or not, it's the only way to accomplish understanding. One has to think, apply, and train. It's not rocket science, but that doesn't make it easy. Course it wouldn't be worth doing if is was easy.

Cerebral Palsy

I have a cousin with a severe form of Cerebral Palsy. He is in a full body wheel chair, unable to move more than spasms of the extremities, cannot speak or communicate in any form save for shrieks and noises, and has the mental maturity of an infant. He's 28 years old. This has been his entire life.

Cerebral Palsy is not a disease, it is brain damage. In the case of my cousin, completely preventable. Due to doctor error during his birth, the side of his head was caved in and caused massive damage. His entire life could have been vastly different if his mother has received the C-section she had required. The doctor in question elected not to preform the surgery she has been booked for, and instead had her deliver naturally. He (the doctor) only knows why he chose to do so, and there in take away any chance of life and growth my cousin could have had.

A quick definition of Cerebral Palsy

Cerebral palsy (CP) is an umbrella term encompassing a group of non-progressive,[1] motor,[2] non-contagious conditions that cause physical disability in human development.[3]
Cerebral refers to the cerebrum, which is the affected area of the brain (although the disorder most likely involves connections between the cortex and other parts of the brain such as the cerebellum), and palsy refers to disorder of movement. CP is caused by damage to the motor control centers of the developing brain and can occur during pregnancy (about 75 percent), during childbirth (about 5 percent) or after birth (about 15 percent) up to about age three.[4][5] Further research is needed on adults with CP as the current literature is highly focused on the pediatric patient.
Cerebral palsy describes a group of permanent disorders of the development of movement and posture, causing activity limitation, that are attributed to nonprogressive disturbances that occurred in the developing fetal or infant brain. The motor disorders of cerebral palsy are often accompanied by disturbances of sensation, perception, cognition, communication, and behaviour, by epilepsy, and by secondary musculoskeletal problems.[6]
There is no known cure for CP. Medical intervention is limited to the treatment and prevention of complications arising from CP's effects.

Frogs, Frogs, Croaking on the Logs, and There's No Silence in the Night

Remember Red Skeleton? One of my favorite skits of his was the poem he wrote and read "Frogs"

It was classic. He was a family comedian who is going to be remembered not only for his wit, but for his family friendly approach to entertainment.

He was the best.

Confession

I didn't blog last week. There is an array of excuses one could use, such as scheduling conflicts which would have a degree of truth to it, but the bottom line is I CHOSE not to blog.

For reasons which are no one's business but my own, I was in a very bad head space last week. Obviously this week is no gem either, but we are talking about last week. Yes I am extremely busy, but I always get the blog up. Skidding in under the wire is my usual style, but the end result is the same. Commitment fulfilled.

Last week I chose not to blog. No one else made the choice for me, and no one else is responsible. Every week for over a year, I have done something I hate, and done it to the best of my ability for the moment I was in. Why chose to let the streak die? Again, something personal that effects me on a continuous basis, but something I just did not want to compound by adding my usual distaste and stress of trying to come up with something to type about. I just decided to deal with my issue, my way.

I realize that many people are passionate about blogging and as a rule I do see the value this tool presents. Which is why I try to lead by example, make sure I post something regardless of it's quality to others. For those I let down (should there be any that really care) rest assured that I do take the commitments I make very seriously, and I am still committed to this journey. However, some steps you just have to take alone.

This was one of those times.

Evolution of a Blog

Time speeds by. Last week I had planned to write about the chick way caravan load we did. Which was a blast by the way. We brought the pilot (only male on the plane) cookies, and he brought us caramels. The big way formation went off with out a hitch, and there was much rejoicing.

Then something else happened, and I was going to write about that. And so on through out the week. One thing lead to another and I just never made it to my keyboard. Finally Saturday night I was scrambling to get something up, anything, so long as i was able to fulfill my commitment.

So this week the big plan was to get on it much sooner and write something meaningful. And true to form, here I am again Saturday night in the late night evening, posting with out plan or purpose. Yet time marches on, and it is amazing how many things can happen in a week. Priorities shift, events come and go, and the days speed past. As always, do your best and try to keep up. What else is there?

9 Minutes to Midnight

I had big plans for my blog this week, but clearly they have not come to maturation. But hey, it's still this week for a few minutes, and my commitment is fulfilled. Had to turn around on the highway to get my computer, but again, mission accomplished. Talk more tomorrow.

Less than Amused

We were supposed to be working cattle today, but a storm blew in and put the kybosh on that. While we were getting everything set up I thought I would throw a saddle on Shy-Rose and use her to help out. I haven't ridden her in quite some time, and the exercise wouldn't do her any harm. (pudgy lil stinker she is)

So I walked up to her and put on the bridal. She's about as hard to catch as a cold. You are in more danger of getting snuggled to death by her than anything else. I figured I'ld put the saddle on her when we got back to the yard. So I hopped on and off we went.

Or so I thought. About 3 steps in the rodeo started. Fighting and tossing her head the whole way. Luck for me she is too fat to do more than glorified crow hopping. Though I am happy that my skills are sharp enough to ride it out bare back. Falling would have been unpleasant.

So the plan is to get on her as much as possible in the next little while. She is less than amused with the whole situation, but she knows that I'm still in charge. Silly horsy.

I am - A Redneck with a Truck

I have been reading the I am project blogs, and thinking a lot about their purpose. They are indeed a very powerful tool of self reflection, discovery, motivation, and accountability. All of us see ourselves in a certain light, and we understand that others see us from their perspective, but what does this truly mean? How many of us see ourselves accurately from another's point of view. Do we know about our lil' quirks? (I twirl my hair with my left hand, among other little annoying traits) Have we truly empathized and seen how our words and actions have affected another? Have we come to terms with the darkness inside ourselves, and accepted it as part of who we are? How else do we chase away the darkness if we do not shine the light into it? Take that look into our souls and understand that the only way to change what we don't want to see, is to first see it? To understand what needs to be fixed, to get the tools required to complete the change, and to have the desire and commitment to see it through to the end.

What do you say when you finish the statement I AM?

I have no doubts that there are those on the planet that see me as the living incarnation of evil. Just as there are those I see in a similar light. My brother's ex girlfriend comes to mind. I once referred to her, much to my sister's enduring entertainment, as "A vicious happiness sucking vulture from $%^&". Not one of my finer moments, but I've never claimed to be perfect.

Do they really see ME? What do they say about me, and who am I to them? Some people have described me as the most focused person they have ever met. Others use words like fierce and mean. I've been described as having the charm of a pit bull or an angry cat. Others still use words like loyal, determined, shallow, boisterous, cold, intimidating, warm, protective, goofy, and so forth. Polar opposites, yet all describing the same person from a unique perspective.

How would those who are intimidated feel if they saw me at work? Singing "I'm a little acorn brown" to Julie just to get a rise out of her? Or sneaking up on someone, or doing one of a thousand silly things we do to each other for fun? Practical jokes and trying to scare the pants off each other is a daily pastime. (Pam got me really good this afternoon. Payback is harsh but at least now I can stop watching my back)

How many people know that someone I care about could call me in the middle of the night from the other side of the world and say they needed me, just to have me get on the next flight out? Even if I had to ride on the wheel, I would find a way to get to them.

Do they know that I love animals? More importantly, do they know why? Animals don't lie, don't use, they simply are. You can trust an animal to be what it is at all times, they are purely honest. When you have been burned as often and as bad as I have, you learn to value that. You learn to be careful who you trust and to make people earn their way into your life. It can be lonely at times, but the ones that do get in, well you know they are there for the long haul.

Do people know that Sifu Hayes continues to shake his head at me because I remembered his kitten's name is Pepper? I happen to like kittens and thought it was a cute name. I have a brain like a strainer, only chance knows what will stick and what will slip through the cracks.

Do they know that I feel things very deeply, and for the long term? Most people don't think things get through, or that it doesn't get to me. The fact is, I've lived years where the only way to survive is to lock down and fight my way out. I may appear that it doesn't penetrate the shell, but rest assured, everything comes in. I simply, aggressively, decide what has power and what doesn't. It's your choice what and who you allow to affect you. For good or bad, health and damage, we chose to allow others to influence us. We are hurt because we give that power. Just remember, we give the power for a reason.

So what am I? I am a redneck with a truck. I have a jack knife in my purse, fencing staples in my cup holders (in a brand new truck to boot), 3 horses, a dog, a cow, some barn cats and have been froshed with 8 pies with out spilling my drink for my 100th jump. I love John Wayne movies, and never turn down a chance to 2 step. I work hard, and play even harder. I like sitting around a fire with my friends, and watching movies with my family.

I am a passionate person a try to be a good person. Some times I succeed, sometimes I fail. But I take those failures, and make myself see them for what they are. MY FAILURE. Something I chose to do, of my own free will, for selfish motivation. I learn from it, try to see how it has affected myself and those around me, and move on with the intention of doing better in the future.

Am I fierce, intense, gentile, warm? Am I any of those things or something entirely different? Perhaps a combination of strange contradictions? I don't know. I'm just a person, human, one who is prone to weakness and temptation like everyone else.

All Hail Red Lobster

Once again I have nothing to say. My week has been off as I've bee a little under the weather. Tired, cranky, annoyed, and so on. Had a migraine yesterday, and have had an upset stomach today. yuck, but as with all things, time will resolve these issues.

Tomorrow is another day. I am looking very forward to hanging out with my sister. We don't get together nearly often enough, as she lives 3 hours away, but our visits are always fun. We have our little things we do together, like going out to eat at Red Lobster. I'm drooling already just thinking about it.

One would picture a pleasant dining experience of cultured adults (my sister, her husband, and I) filled with small talk and mannerly behavior..... one would be wrong.

Not that we're a bunch of neanderthals at a trough, but we are more interested in having fun together than we are in what others think. An example? Cutting down a washed up rock start for his lewd reality TV show, is not above our notice, comment, or opinion. It's not all claws mind you. There are plenty of other things we chat about, most of them extremely funny (at least to us).

Like the time my brother, sister, her husband, and I were sitting around at Xmas at the farm playing Black Jack for pretzels. The game was fun, the night wore on, and Kija started to bark. My sister asked what she was barking at, and in my usual tactful way, said that it was either deer or idiots across the street. She thought that was quite funny, and about 10 minutes later when my brother said "hit me" and I did (in the shoulder) she promptly spit pop all over mom's new kitchen table. Everything got covered, cards, players, pretzels... you name it, it got a pepsi shower.

So yes, I am looking very forward to a visit with her, and our customary eat till you wana hurl feast at Red Lobster. It only happens a couple of times a year, but it is so worth it. Good food, Great company, and memories to last. I just have to remember to wear sweat pants... makes the ride home more comfortable.

oooooh, Shinny...

I love puke 'N' hose flooring.... let me tell you why...

I gave my baby a good scrubbing this weekend. The dust and mud was starting to make me mental. The road to my parental unit's place is under construction, and when you have mostly clay ground combined with frequent thunderstorms.... well the result is road snot. Slimy, sticky, and clinging to everything.

So Sunday I headed for the car wash, scrubbed myself stupid, and $13 later, had a sparkly outside on my truck. I then vacuumed the stuffing out of the cab's flooring & seats. Threw my seat covers in the washing machine before I left home, then decided to buy a new set just to get my truck a lil' present. After that I took the back way out to the farm, and got a pail of water, soap, and assorted scrubbing gear and viola.... new looking interior! Boo-yah!!

Then came out the wax, and I shined up every scrap of red paint I could reach. Mission accomplished and man does Sparky look good! I can't wait to take her to the DZ and show her off. It always feels good to do something really well, especially if it's hard work. At least I think so, but then, I'm a little strange. After all, I named my truck Sparky (it's scrappy and has an attitude so I think it fits). Meh, whatever.

JM

I have successfully completed my final requirements for my Jump Master's course. As usual just under the wire. I am very excited to complete my next phase of training and moving into complete certification in this rating as well as SSI. These requirements are very difficult to achieve, and attempting to complete them both in one season is even more so.

I have learned a lot about myself and about follow through. I have always know that dedication is the key to success, but have usually had more realistic time frames to work with. So the moral, anything is possible, even if improbable. However good judgment is also important. Reasonable goal setting is also key.

The picture is my calf muscle. You can tell how much fun you had and how hard you tried by the bruises you collect. It's is my bragging rights.

1's a wish, 2's a kiss, 3's a disappointment

Remember those silly rhymes and fortunes from back in the day? They covered all manors of concepts. Such as, the number of sneezes you had.

1's a wish, 2's a kiss, 3's a disappointment, 4's a letter, 5's something better, 6's go get a kleenex.

If you have 2 forks at your place setting there is a wedding in the future.

An itchy nose means you will kiss a fool.

An itchy palm means you will come into some money.

And so fourth. Just silly little things that really have no bearing on reality. I don't know why I thought of it, just kinda popped into my head. But stranger things have found their way into my mind.

Failure

How we handle failure defines us. Understanding how to handle failure is not the same as actually handling it. We choose to succeed or fail, before we even step into what is testing us.

There are many great quotes regarding failure and success. Examples such as "if you want to succeed, double your failure rate". "you never truly fail until you quit trying" or perhaps the most apt "you set yourself up for failure".

The choices we make determine if we succeed or fail. Embracing this and living accordingly determines how we handle failure. All very fancy talk, but what does it have to do with anything.

2 choices. Someone I know chose to handle failure in a negative way. This person decided that they deserved a certain level of accomplishment and the evaluator did not give them what they expected. This person proceeded to make it very public that they disapproved of the evaluator's ranking.

The other choice, taking responsibility. Looking at yourself and deciding what you could have done to succeed. It shouldn't even occur to us to blame the evaluator. Their job is to be impartial, to provide guidance, and to provide feedback. The effort and work we put into things determines if we pass or fail. We succeed or fail by what we do.

Make no mistake it is a choice. One can chose to take responsibility, or one can chose to blame others. What will your choice be?

Yuck

I have been wickedly sick the last few days, but have managed to drag my sorry carcass out of bed long enough to blog. Hope you have enjoyed, I am going back to bed.

Boot Camp

For those who invested in themselves and survived our annual Boot Camp...... ya done good. See you next year.

when all else fails

I sit here staring at the screen, disjointed thoughts and frustration my companions. I really hate blogging. I've no doubt that it is making a difference, as any type of discipline if good for a person. Discipline and follow through on something you dislike is especially good for you, as it takes more. More effort, more motivation, more commitment, more... well you get the idea.

I find this requirement very hard. During the week, I'll think of things that I could blog about. Sometimes funny, sometimes serious. Emotional, reserved, and everything in between. Then I sit here and try to convince myself to just start typing. One would think it easy to create an entry, taking thought and turning it into the written history of your personal existence. A place to talk to yourself or to others with out direct judgement or reproach.

Some find a certain freedom in written expression. A way to open up with out having to directly experience the reaction of others to their thoughts or feelings. To exercise their freedom of expression. I find it as pleasant as having my fingernails ripped off with pliers. (or so I would imagine).

I have made a commitment to blog, and I dig deep every week to put something up. Sometimes it's absolute nonsense, but it's not a requirement to be Shakespeare, just consistent. I can't tell you how thankful I am for that little loop hole.

We all face trials, challenges, and walls. Our own demons are no stronger or weaker to us than other's are to them. Learning to focus, continue to move forward, or just maintain the existence for one more day in spite of these conflicts can be difficult to surmount. But we are all capable. We all have something that we need to accomplish. Something that we have promised that we must find a way to deliver. Some commitment that we see through to the end. A personal goal, UBBT member or not, martial artist or not, but it is there universally to all beings.

And we do it, even when all else fails.

Sharing my toys

Apparently I'm a little territorial.... okay, so I'm a LOT territorial. Here's the poop.

I was helping teach my first SSI class yesterday, and it was all good. I had a blast working with my supervisor, and was learning as much as I was teaching. Believe it or not, I was nervous, and in true nervous style, was over explaining just a touch. Go figure. But that is another story.

We had 4 students. One of which was crapping kittens every 2 seconds as he was coming to the realization he would shortly be climbing out on the wing strut of a plane traveling 80 miles an hour, 3500 feet off the ground.
After the climb out, he would be hanging from said strut and then letting go. All because his roommate talked him into it.

We spent several hours with our four students, teaching them (literally) life saving skills and getting to know them. Working with them to prepare them for their first experience in our sport, and helping them to get over their fears. Encouraging them, ensuring learning has been achieved, testing them, and reviewing physical skills. It was a long day for all of us, and we were all getting a bit tired. They were a bit disappointed that I was not going to be their JM for their first jump, as was I. I found out later just how disappointed I was to be.

Their JM was a very good person, though she can be a bit pushy, and has no concept of stepping on other's toes. I don't think she means to do it, she just doesn't realize that there are others with equal and far greater skills to her own, and she feel the need to assert herself. She came into our class (keep in mind my supervisor has a ton more experience than either myself or the JM) and began offering opinions as to how the class should be taught, and the length of time it was taking. She is not an SSI, and only has the C1 and JM training. Vastly different animals.

So my supervisor handed the class to me and had me administer the quiz while she and the JM stepped outside. When my supervisor returned she filled me in on the situation. She was even less impressed with the situation than I was, and pulled no punches when expressing it. Kinda felt a little bad for the JM, though nothing that was said was inaccurate or undeserved.

Later on, I was walking our students out to hand them over to the JM. Man was that hard. I hung around to help them gear up. I was getting frustrated with the situation, as things were being done slightly different than I would have, and lets face it, theses are MY guys. But I kept my mouth shut and attitude in check. The last thing our students needed was a cat fight between the instructors. Especially the nervous one. I knew my place, I had handed over the students. I just couldn't seem to let go.

I was all maternal, and looking for an excuse to get into the plane with them. First class nut! but I managed to back off. I watched them come down and asked them how it went, then asked the JM how they did. I felt better when they were all back safe and was very pleased that they hung around after their jumps and got familiar with the DZ and it's people. I really hope to see them again in the future.

I guess my lesson for the weekend is that I need to work on my ability to relinquish control. Everyone has their own style, and I'm not always going to agree with it. But I do have to trust them and let them take my guys to the next step. I just don't have to like it.

Kija

I was out doing some chores tonight at the farm, when I looked up and saw my dog just chillin' under a tree. She had ridden out into the field with me in the gator, hopped off when I stopped, and found a spot she liked to keep an eye on things.

She's a first class goober, but she's got life figured out. Full tummy, warm place to sleep, people to spoil her rotten, and all for the price of perked up ears and a slightly tilted head. When she figures she hasn't gotten your full attention and it is required, one paw comes up and gets gently placed on your leg. "I'm here, love me" is what everyone else assumes she's thinking. I know it's really "Make with the cookies, I'm lookin' extra cute."

I finished what I was doing, and started the gator back up. She got up, stretched, and sauntered over to climb in. One assumes you train your dog. The reality is they train you. Go figure

Lisa Freitag

Our World is as Small as WE Make it

I live in a very small world. That world is self induced. I am not fond of people as a rule. I have been betrayed, hurt, and attacked far to many times not to be suspicious of human motivations. There is "good" in my world, but only because I am very quick to judge, and expel the "bad". My world is rigid, and my loyalty is forever. Given reason to remove loyalty, well that's forever as well. My world is black and white.

I am reasonably happy in my world, and face things that threaten my world head on. Perception of a threat is enough to cause me to lock in. I refuse to be bullied. I've taken all of that type of treatment and more than anyone should, and I'm done with it. Lets just say there is a reason I don't play well with others.

All this being said, the world is also small for it's own merits. Master Dave Mac Neil was here for a few days. He taught some seminars that were very interesting, and he brightens a room with his genuine interest in people. He was talking about a man he met on the plane ride up here. His name is Doug Spotted Eagle.

Doug is a prominent wing suit instructor. He was up here preparing for a wing suit seminar he is teaching next month. As Doug and Master Mac Neil chatted, skydiving came up. Back in the day Master Mac Neil was a diver, which is pretty cool. More cool is that both men were headed to the same town to teach something they are passionate about, and ended up having more in common than one would expect of a random traveling companion. People from different states, traveling to a different country, and having similar experiences. Small world.

It makes me think about all the people I shut out. Some I am better off with out, but others could be ones I have a common ground with. Something to think about anyway.

And Doug says "HI Dave".

May Long

It's Monday night of May long weekend. And it snowed. No big surprise there, it snows EVERY May long weekend. I always get a kick of the campers getting ticked off when they get snowed on.

What did you expect guys? You've lived in this country how long?

Yah I know, pleasure at the expense of others is a nasty thing to be amused at, but I never claimed to be a poster child of cordial behavior. Actually, I'm down right catty at times. I'll have to work on that.

Moving on, I spent Saturday taking a canopy course with Doug Fourth. He's a professional skydiver with over 15000 jumps, and a wicked sense of humor. I had a great time and learned some more valuable skills. Would so take that course again (and I'll take the swooping course next year I think).

At the end of the day, there was an opportunity to do something stupid. And hey, ya gotta know I'm the first one to sign up. Heres the story. Every year at May long there is a pig roast up the road from the DZ, hosted by "Sly". (I have never met said Sly, but that's another story) Anyway, it's for assorted bikers and their playmates. An interesting crowd to say the least.

The point, and yes there is one, is that the really experienced guys swoop the pig roast every year. It's the ultimate party crash, and Sly has more or less made it the high light of the weekend. (an unofficial hire) My involvement was driving the boys back from the pig roast, which meant getting a wrist band allowing me and the other drivers past the guards at the gate (you think I would walk into that place alone? I'm not that stupid).

Anyway, we were all packed up and getting ready to leave, when I spotted this guy pretending to be human. I'm looking at him, wondering if my eyes are playing tricks on me. He had long black dread locks, a long black goatee, a spiked dog collar, and horns. Yes that's right horns. Some sort of implants to give him the appearance of horns coming up under his skin. I couldn't believe it.

I turned to John, who is ex military and rarely smiles on his best days, and asked him if the guy really had horns. He gave me a raised eyebrow, and looked over my shoulder at said person. He promptly started laughing, a lot. He couldn't even speak. Then Holly chimed in with "it's like a train wreck, I can't look away". Realizing where we were, we kept it very low key, and then nearly wet ourselves on the ride back with the creative commentary.

My favorite part was speculating on the last time he looked in the mirror, and if he actually realized how the image came across. He was clearly going for Scary Evil Biker, and ended up with Trick or Treat! Though I am proud of maintaining my impulse control. The urge to walk up to him and poke him in the forehead was incredible. Horns, Seriously! I'm going to enjoy that particular fashion statement for years to come.

Here's to the human ego, a bottomless pit of entertainment.

Foot in Butt Syndrome

I had a talk with the San Shou class about dealing with difficult situations. The class leading up to this talk was knife offense and the theory of attacking with a knife. Where to strike, what targets will yield the most damage, what will stop the attack cold, ect.

Of course I felt obligated to give the disclaimer chat regarding our view points on weapon use. Learn it so you can defend against it. Respect the power and increase your ability to survive an attack. Weapons are not something we use, but they are something that can be used against us. Knowledge is protection, bla, bla, bla.

Then my mind wandered and I told the students of an experience I had a few months back about a bad situation. I was at a social event with a group of friends. Everyone there was a friend or someone I know. We are a big group and we all stick together.

Usually.

One of the people I know got a little stupid with me. He wouldn't leave me alone, and I made it quite clear that I was uninterested. I walked away, he followed. I moved to another group, and sure enough, Scrungo was there shortly after. Needless to say, I was rapidly losing a battle with my temper. He was about 10 seconds from becoming a nasty injury in an ugly shirt.

Then the inevitable happened. Nature called. This meant leaving the main group and walking in the dark, alone to another area. Usually not a big deal, but when you have someone trying to corner you, it can be interesting.

So I was faced with a choice, go by myself, get confronted by Scrungo, lay him out in the parking lot, and try to deal with the aftermath (legal and social) afterward. OR grab a friend and have them escort me to and from the facilities, and then to my truck when I was ready to go home.

I wanted to choose option A really really badly, but I instead chose option B. I grabbed my buddy, and drug him off to the bathroom with me. He naturally wanted an explanation, so I filled him in on the situation. He was confused and asked me what the big deal was as I could take care of myself. He felt I should have chosen option A as well. I told him that part of taking care of yourself was removing yourself from a potentially bad situation. Seeking help when needed, and keeping alert for dangers.

What I didn't tell him was knowing yourself and what motivates you is also part of taking care of yourself. I was angry, very very angry. In some ways I was hoping Scrungo would have a fourth go around. I was looking for an excuse to release an emotional frenzy on him, punctuated with elbows, knees, and high pitched screeching. I haven't been that close to looking for a fight, Well Ever. But I was that angry. I had walked away from just wanting to defend myself, only to embrace wanting to feed my temper and justify it any way I could. Not a good place to be.

I realized this, and chose to defuse the situation. Man was that hard. But I was able to remove myself from my ego and anger to find a positive out come. I glued myself to my friend, and when it was time to leave the main area for any reason, I dragged him along. When I was ready to go home for the night, you guessed it, he became my escort to my vehicle.

I could have chosen to allow my emotions to control me. That is exactly what it would have been, a choice. I chose to control my emotions instead. I made the decision to walk away, and be safe. The decision to not sink into an abyss of anger and vengeance.

So yah, the temper still needs work. But on the up shot, the control is still in place.

Remembering the lessons

I was talking with Sifu Masterson about teaching. She told me that in her opinion my teaching has greatly improved in the last 18 months. That made me feel really good. Sometimes I feel like one of the blues brothers doing acrobatics only to have some guy in the back row giving a pity clap. Can be kinda harsh.

But we continued to talk about it, and tried to figure out what was responsible for the change. She feels that I don't just answer questions anymore, that I am connecting more fully with the student and am better understanding where they are coming from. The only thing I can come up with is, I'm now a student again in something completely new.

How many of us forget the first lessons? The frustration, the fears, the uncomfortable reality of not knowing what's going on? Many of us are learning a new system as part of our UBBT journey. But this is not the same as being a new student. It's not exactly the same style, but it IS an arena that is still comfortable for us. It's a martial art or physical training. It's something we understand on a fundamental level, and we are confident that we will succeed. This is not what our students experience when they start with us.

I have been spending a lot of time learning new things. Things that are completely out of my previous experience. I believe this has been the change. I have remembered the lessons. What it's like to truly step into the unknown. To not know the basic principles and expectations. I have had empathy forced upon me, and apparently am growing from the experience. The irony is, these lessons are not coming from the martial arts, an arena that I am very comfortable in. They are coming from motor cross, changes in jobs, and of course my other true love of skydiving.

UBBT asks that we take our lessons out of the kwoon and into the world. I have discovered that I have to take myself out of the kwoon and into the world to achieve this. Something I have never really done. It's kinda cool how it's proven to be a two way street. What I am learning in the world has been brought back into the kwoon. It appears the results of my new found empathy are very promising.

Learning to be Average

I've lost count of how many times I've been told I don't play well with others. My family, my friends, pretty much anyone who's met me realizes that there are no surprises. I'm right there, in your face, all the time.

My mom often asks me "Do you always have to be so harsh?" My sisters have been know to say "Don't hold back Lis, tell us how you really feel" (can you hear the sarcasm?) Alternate that statement with spitting beverages through their noses after I offer an opinion, and you have the idea.

Okay, okay, I get the hint. Doesn't mean I'm going to change anytime soon, but if it makes anybody feel better, I am listening, and I do get it.

I have been thinking a lot of the "Mastery" assignment our students do when they are preparing for taking the Black Belt Exam. A cool assignment in and of itself. But what has really been striking me is the message that we create our own personal mastery.

I've always believed in creating your own destiny or mastery of said destiny. I have always strived to live the example, but have never really had a point of comparison. For the last 18 years, I have been surrounded with others who strive to achieve personal mastery. I unconsciously seek out people with mastery.

My skydiving instructors are world champion competitors (literally). My friends are strong willed alpha people, and I am always around people in the martial arts who's very being screams of self improvement. Is it any surprise that non masters make me nuts?

So back to being average. Lately I have been working with a new group of people. Nice people, but people who are contented to be average. People who expect me to be average as well, and to live at the standard they have accepted for themselves. I'm continually shocked when I'm told not to work so hard. Not to worry about it. Or my personal favorite, don't kill yourself, it doesn't have to be perfect.

Yah, actually it does. If you are going to do something, do it right. I don't care what you are doing. Writing a blog, organizing an event, or cleaning up bird poop from the deck. Take pride in what you are doing and do a good job. Okay, I know it's hard to have pride in cleaning up bird poop, but you get the idea.

I don't like being told not to excel. I accept that I won't always excel, and that there are things I'm down right pitiful at, but to be told that something less than my best effort is acceptable..... well that goes against the grain. I don't understand how to live like that, and I am having a very difficult time relating to people who think that way.

All I know is I don't want to look back and say "I had that opportunity, and I didn't take it" The things we do make a difference. We don't always get credit, or recognition, but the difference is still there. Many times it will be unnoticed or unappreciated, but it's still there.

My greatest fear is living my life and having not made a difference. That I wasted my time here, and didn't take the opportunities presented to me.

Finally

I'm done over 34 hours of class room in 4 days.... my brain hurts.
The best part is I have to do it all over again starting Friday. Oh joy.
Seriously, I need to lear to set reasonable goals.
On the up shot? I passed both SSI and Ground Control. The second of the two I wasn't even planning on taking, but it was thrown into the course and I passed it. I need a nap.

Learning

This weekend I'm off to Calgary for my SSI course. Next weekend is JM here at home. By the end of the month I will have 2 more requirements ticked off the UBBT list. It is very liberating to think of progress made.

At the same time, preparing for these seminars is not simple task. As with all education there is a lot of theory, practical knowledge, and prerequisites that need to be fulfilled. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. Digging out notes and texts on my C1 courses, reading the new material, as well as creating and completing the lesson plans for 2 courses.

I'm going to have to get ear plugs to keep my brains from leaking out. As exciting as theses accomplishments are, they still require a ton of focus and hard work.

But what else is new?

Not giving up

I am very tired today. One of our young cows almost lost her calf while trying to have it. The calf's leg was caught on his mothers pelvic bone and she was unable to have him. My brother and I worked for hours to save them.

For a while we thought we were to late to save the calf. We thought he had died inside her. We were upset, but knew that we had to get the calf out of the mother or we would lose them both.

Finally we were able to get the leg lose from inside his mother and help pull him out. While his mother pushed, we pulled. When he was half way out, we realized he was still alive. We continued to work, and got him all the way out. He was extremely weak and both mother and calf were exhausted.

In the past 14 hours we have been able to get them back to the barn and have managed to get some milk replacer into him. He is still not strong enough to stand (which is a bad sign) but he is able to drink on his own from the bottle (a good sign). Our next goal is to get him strong enough so that he can start nursing from his mother.

She was in labor for at least 6 hours before we managed to deliver the calf completely, and he was trapped inside her unable to move or breath properly. Yet they both survived. True fighting spirit.

I wanted to name him GSP, but my brother thought Rocky was cuter. So Rocky it is. If he survives the night. Bottom line, he didn't give up. We can all learn something from that.

SSI

So I finally got the confirmed date for my SSI (skydive school instructor) course. Unfortunately it is April 17 through 20 in Calgary Alberta (@ 3 hours from here). Being a 3 hour drive is no big deal. I have a sister living in that city, and can stay at her place, get in a visit, and take the certification course.

The problem is that the following weekend I am booked to take the JM (jump master). So this will mean I need to take off 2 Friday to Mondays in a row. Not really impressive for the boss.

It's not that big a deal, I only need certification in one of the courses to qualify for Coach 2, but having both obviously is better in the long run. If nothing else I can take the SSI next season. It would be nice to get both, but I'm not going to worry about it to much. It's not like I'm going to stop skydiving, and I have the rest of my life to play in the sky.

Once a Year

Once a year there is a very special treat at the farm. A family (5) Bald Eagles show up at the end of March and stay until the beginning of May. Usually around 8 weeks. They rest, hunt gophers, and just soar around.

They returned early this week. It's beyond cool to go out to feed cattle and look up to see these magnificent raptors coasting lazily on the air currents 15 to 40 feet above you. Or to hear then coo, call, and yes shriek at each other. (you know one of the young ones ticked off Daddy when that happens).

Over the last few years we have seen the 3 young eagles grow and begin to get their white feathers. They are between 3 and 5 years old now, and are almost completely white. Though they have a lot of growing to do before they reach the size of their massive parents.

The family has been coming to the farm as long as I can remember. For the longest time it was just the parents. I can't describe the moment when we realized that they had mated and produced 3 babies, and brought them along for their annual visit.

I don't know where they go when they leave us, but I do know I am relieved when they all return the next year. Hopefully they will honor us with their time for many years to come.

I'm here before you, to stand behind you, to tell you something I know nothing about

Well it's blog time again..... and I got nothin'. I must admit that I had written a great vent yesterday, not that I could post it. The main theme was others needing a proctologist to retrieve your running shoe. It was wrong... funny, but wrong. So it got filed under G. I'm still regretting not saving a copy. Jeff Foxworthy would have been proud.

It was just a general vent, nothing in particular lighting the fuse. Okay maybe a little. My parents are headed to Germany on Sunday (I was supposed to go but am so broke I can't afford to pay attention). So my brothers and I will be farm sitting. Meh, no big deal. But my lovely pappy is a world class worry wart, and has been making me nutty,more so than usual.

Lets face it, I'm not exactly the poster child for normal behavior. I love listening to my mom up date the rest of the family on what the five of us are doing with our lives... Joe is pregnant, Erna is in Australia, Gord is back from Grande Prairie, Jake is thinking about buying a second property, and Lisa is (doing what ever stupid thing I happen to be doing at the time). The best part is this is always followed by "yah well Lisa does stuff like that". You know Auntie whoever has asked one of three questions... "she's doing what?" "why would she do that?" or "are you serious?" Guaranteed I'm voted most likely to get the Darwin Award in our family. When you have 30 first cousins, that's an accomplishment.

But I digress, back to my dad. We got our first calf of the season on sunday night (it's so cute), and with the weather showing no sign of smartening up anytime soon, Dad is in full maternal mode. The man is going to give himself an ulcer. I understand where he is coming from, he truly cares and wants to make sure that they are taken care of. He comes across as a growly old bear, but he's really quite sensitive. Not that he would EVER admit it. So he worries about his cows, and his lil calves, and the spoiled dog.

I have yet to get him to admit he spoils the dog, though I have managed to get him to stop feeding her Fignewtons. I think, maybe he's sneaking them to her when I'm not around, hmmmmm. I've given up trying to stop him from feeding her cheese smokies. The fact that she has "dog food" to eat doesn't seem to compute for him. (and he wonders why I call her "mooch") "She's not spoiled, she's a good dog" "She's not fat, she's in good shape"... yah round.

Anyway, that's it. I really have nothing to say, so until next week, Blue Skys.

When does it end?

Once again the ugly head of bullies rear and roar their fury on their victims. I am sooooo tired of it. When is the world going to start taking responsibility for itself?

Yet again, I spent time in the office tonight trying to help a 9 year old child understand what is happening to them, why it's happening, and guide them on what to do about it. The parent is desperate for help to protect their child and the child is frustrated that every step they have been taught to take have not resolved the situation.

Where do they go from here? How do they concentrate for the rest of the day when they have this conflict in their mind? How do they express their frustration positively when they are hurting inside? These are the questions I tried to answer tonight.

The bully in question, has no structured home life to speak of. There are no consequences to this child's actions, no ramifications that has any effect on their behavior. A losing battle for them, and an extremely difficult one for those they torment.

So what did I say? Basically, continue to follow the rules:

1) create your verbal and physical boundaries & remember that no one has the right to put their hands on you in a way you do not approve of. Remember that even though someone says something about you, it doesn't make it true, you have value as a person and they can't take that away from you.

2) be aware of your situation, don't go places where they can corner you unsupervised. Take control back of the situation. If you do have to go somewhere alone, remember to be loud should the conflict arise, shout No and Stop. This will draw the attention of others near by and help you to be removed from the situation.

3) continue to communicate, when you stop talking and getting help from others you are then truly alone. This is not the place you want to be.

Dealing with bullies is extremely difficult and overwhelming. Dealing with the rest of your life after the bully has left is just as hard. Calm your mind, breathe, and work to refocus yourself. Try to talk about the conflict in a calm clear way. It's hard, but saying what happened and how it made you feel is important. Working to stay calm will help you organize your thoughts and make it easier for you to get the help you need.

Never stop communicating. People care about you and it's important that they know what is happening in your life. If they don't know, they can't help. Your family, friends, and those responsible for your safety need to know about the problems. They are your team, and a team is only strong when it works together.

Maybe I'm wrong in what I said, I'm no shrink. But I do know what it's like to be on the receiving end of bullies. I do know that sometimes ignoring them doesn't work, sometimes it makes them think they have an easy target. I also know that the only people that have power and influence on you are the ones you allow. Take back your power and believe in yourself. Easy to say, not so easy to do. But it is possible and it is so much easier when you have others working with you.

Holy Confusion Batman

Lets face it, I'm not the most organized duck on the pond. Actually there are times when I'm down right squirrelly, but hey, nobody's perfect.

This is why my life is usually planned like a military strike. If it isn't written down, it doesn't happen. Well thanks to the UBBT, I have gotten worse. Oh joy....

Though I must confess, I'm still doing better than I was when trying to help plan my sisters weddings. The hamster was running full gallop and bolts were flying off the wheel. Chaos unlimited.... great.

So the latest "drop the ball convention" started a few months back when I put myself on the list as a volunteer for one of our students projects. A project taking place, conveniently, the exact same weekend as a seminar I am registered for. There I was happily oblivious to the fact that I had double booked myself yet again. Reality set in last night, thankfully, or I would have really made a mess of things.

Ya, really great roll model. Say you'll do something, promptly forget about it, and go happily off in another direction, leaving those you committed to hanging. Smart, very smart.

Again, thankfully, someone mentioned that particular event again last night. Can you say deer in the headlights boys and girls? I was a deer in the headlights. Some how "Oh Darn!" doesn't seem to cover it. Needless to say, I had to back out of the project, while feeling like an irresponsible twit in the process.

But all is settled and hopefully I will not make this type of error too many more times. Saying it won't happen again from me is just crazy talk, so I'll try to keep it to a minimum. As always, something to work on.

Long Term Survival of the Martial Arts?

I am enrolled in my JM course and looking forward to the first green up of spring. Completion of this course puts me one step closer to Coach 2 Certification. With Coach 2 Certification from NCCP, many doors will open and hopefully wedge open some that may be closing.

For many years lobbyers have been trying to get legislation passed to regulate the martial arts in Canada. Part of their agenda is to make the legislation specific enough to favor their martial art over others taught in this country. As a Chinese martial art (and therefore very disorganized in a global sense) this would spell a major shift in our ability to survive. 2000 years down the toilet as it were.

So being the sneaky type, I figure having high coaching certification with the National Coaching Certification Program of Canada can only help our school, as well as our martial art should the legislation go through. Oh yes, I live to plot.

An extremely lofty (and highly improbable) goal, is to one day create something similar to ASPA & CSPA (Alberta Sport Parachute Association & Canadian Sport Parachute Association) for the martial arts. Though getting that many Black Belts and their respective schools to play nice together is going to be a night mare circus of pain. On the up side, ASPA & CSPA were created and you just gotta know that Skydivers are as bad as Black Belts when it comes to admitting that there could be a better way of doing things, especially when they didn't come up with the idea. Must have something to do with being an "A" type personality. Go figure.

If life has taught me anything, it's to be more tenacious than an oceanic white tip. Don't give up on anything you really believe in, just find a way of presenting it so that the recipient(s) see the true value.

Maybe one day in the near future it will be possible to have a formal collaboration of martial artists certifiable by the NCCP. Having a structure of training future teachers/coaches in the most effective ways of transferring knowledge to their novices. All endorsed by an existing national certifying body of sport educators, thus protecting said educators from potential extinction if unfavorable legislation is passed.

The NCCP doesn't regulate curriculum, philosophy, or influence business of the sport. It just teaches the coaches & instructors in the methods of learning, repetition of technique, and ethical accountability and responsibility they have to the students, novices, and each other.

I have no doubts that the work we are all doing with the UBBT is paving the way for this type of universal cooperation. I also have no doubts that it will be a long haul and a very difficult one.

Lets face it, if it was easy, it wouldn't be worth it.

Something in the works

Once again I find myself with nothing to say, yet here I am at the keyboard typing away. I read Sifu Shipalesky's blog in reference to our student who offered her running shoes to an elderly lady, and remember that student telling me that same story. She had real doubts as to how to approach the situation, not wanting to offend the lady in question, yet she followed through with what her gut told her. Have to say the phrase "I'm proud" just doesn't cover it.

We have always been a strong group of people, yet we have allowed ourselves to back down to doubt and social correctness. In that, I mean that we refrain from following our hearts to keep from potentially embarrassing someone else. Yet the leadership and the wisdom we have only makes us and our community stronger. A hard balance to maintain. I am glad to say that the requirements of the UBBT has given us the resolve to trust our judgement and deal with the potential consequences as they arise, instead of allowing the moment to pass us by. It's very refreshing.

In fact, this post saved my day. I was feeling rather down, and being reminded of our student's generosity and the pride Sifu Shipalesky has in her made me feel much better.

I was on the phone today with one of my best friends. He and I text almost everyday and talk on the phone a couple times a week. (very unusual for me, I'm anti social at the best of times) He was feeling discouraged with his job situation (economy in the toilet and all). We talked for a long time about his situation and then it was my turn to unload.

I joked about getting a skilled worker immigration document and taking off to Australia, something I have always wanted to do. But a joke is all it is. My life is very much grounded here. To my surprise, he told me to go for it. I kinda laughed it off, but it was still in the back of my brain. Like I said, was having an off day and the thought of packing up and taking off was appealing.

When you are feeling sorry for yourself and assuming you don't make a difference in the big picture, it's easy to justify those types of fantasies. Drop your responsibilities and take off. Not something I would do, but nice to think about.

Then I read Sifu's post and realized that something small, but personally challenging can make all the difference. Just walking with someone and listening to them. A very precious gift, yet so easily given. All it takes is the guts to walk up to a person and make that bridge. Like I said proud doesn't cover it.

Thanks for the reminder and the cheer up guys. I won't book my flight just yet, lol.

Another Step

I am very excited about my courses coming up in the next couple of months. I am registered into the JM (jump master) course happening in April, and am on the "list" for the SSI (skydive school instructor) course happening at some point this season (hopefully soon). My instructor certifications in these courses are very important to my UBBT goals. As one of my goals is to achieve Coach 2 certification with the NCCP by the end of season 09. To qualify for said goal, I have to have a C CoP license and either JM or SSI. I currently hold a B Cop license and my Coach 1 certification. It's all falling into place... I think.

The requirements for achieving licensing under the CoP's are not easy, and I in true lunacy style, have decided to achieve them in one season. A season that is only 6 months long. Factor in that the DZ is only open on weekends, I have a 6 day a week job, and my the family farm is in full field work mode during this time of year.... should be interesting. I've been told that setting reasonable goals is not my forte. Maybe one day I'll learn to listen.

So all that being said, I am looking forward to getting certified and checking one more thing off my list. The sense of accomplishment for personal/professional goals are very powerful and motivating. It's great to feed off one's own energy, but equally great to feed off the energy and enthusiasm of others sharing your journey.

Thank you for Believing

Last night I worked my advanced class pretty hard. I had them do their fitness test, and as usual, I had my "there's no whining in kung fu" attitude going. Yah I know, I'm a jerk.

They performed wonderfully, and I am very proud of each and everyone. They all stepped up and completed the task. Those finished first gave enthusiastic encouragement to those still struggling to finish. Truly a shining moment.

As I was striping them, one student said to me, kinda under his breath " Thanks for believing in me" I didn't really catch it at the time, and I mumbled something to the extent that all I expect is for them to try.

After he had already left, I realized what he said. Thank you for believing in me. What an incredible thing to say. What an outstanding compliment he gave me. What a vulnerable place to put himself in. Thank you for believing in me. I am truly honored.

Think about this for a minute. Someone has basically said that my belief in them is important to them. That it makes a difference. For what ever reason or how ever much it matters, my belief in them changes their situation for the better, and helps them achieve their goals.

What other goal could I have or achieve that is more fulfilling than the one I over looked last night. Something simple and quiet, yet powerful and inspiring. I feel bad for not paying closer attention for what was said at the time, but I am very happy I didn't lose it completely.

So know that all of you also make a difference and I am grateful that you believe in me.

Thank you

Inside the Well

I have heard many people say that suicide is the "cowards" way out. That it's senseless, selfish, the ultimate form of self pity.

To these people I say "Cram it! You clearly don't know what you are talking about."

Have you ever been inside the well? Have you ever been in the dark with no way out? Have you ever said your prayers at night asking not to wake up the next day, to simply die in your sleep? Have you ever asked why you exist if not for the pleasure others get from your torment? Have you ever cried yourself to sleep every night for years asking what you did to deserve this? Have you ever looked down the tunnel and seen the light disappear?

Some of you are thinking, nothing could be that bad. There is always hope, always power to change your circumstances, always a way out, all you have to do is ask for help.... allow me to enlighten you.

Don't get me wrong, I am by no means defending suicide, nor saying it is a way to solve your problems. What I am saying is that until you have lived that despair, pain, depression, fear, self loathing, with no self value, you are not qualified to pass judgement on one who has. Walk a mile in their shoes as it were. It's the longest mile you will ever walk.

There are ways out, agreed, but Can you imagine what it is like not to know that. Not to feel that there is anywhere you can turn. To be that truly alone. Not wanting to die, but seeing no other alternative. Can you imagine that place?

I hope you can't.

I don't have to imagine it. I've been there, I've lived it, and I have to tell you it changes a person.

I was "bullied". That is the term most commonly used. I was abused, tortured, experienced things that an adult would be arrested for doing to another human being. Yet the people who "bullied" me were never punished. It was never dealt with by the people "responsible" for my safety... as it was their children who inflicted the pain. Ironic isn't it?

For example, one day I came home with welts around my throat the exact pattern of the chain the boy had wrapped around my neck and choked me with. Choked me severely enough that the bruises lasted a long time. Another day the game was seeing who could make me cry, by any means. Unfortunately for them, I had over heard the plan, and refused to give them the satisfaction of breaking down. There were several bruises that day. That was only two days out of 9 years.

By age 10 I was vomiting blood from bleeding ulcers induced by stress. By 13 I was bulimic. I followed all the steps, tell a teacher, tell your parents, find help. The staff just kept assuring my parents they were taking care of it and that what I was telling them was inaccurate. That there was no need to change schools, everything would be fine. By 14, the light in the tunnel went out.

9 years and I was helpless to do anything to change my situation. I was a child, by law forced to go to school. Home schooling was not an option at that time. I was unable to get help from the people in charge, unable to remove myself from the situation, and unable to convince anyone that things were as bad as I said. What was I to do save learn to live in the dark, and finally try to leave it.

It's easy to say that It's only a few years. There was not much more time before you are out of there, and it's all over. When you have lived your life (age 5 to 14) in pain, every kind of pain, can anyone really expect you to see the difference a few more years makes. When every day is a lifetime, one you would give anything to avoid, one you don't know if you will literally survive, a few more years just isn't that small of a commitment.

So again, until you have walked that mile, seen life from inside the well, rethink your words. Empathy is important, but it is more than something we say. How do you help someone find hope, if you think it's right there in front of them. You might see it, but that doesn't mean they do. It doesn't mean telling them it's right in front of them is going to make the difference. But sometimes, all it takes is someone to listen, really listen, with out judgment. Sometimes that's enough to show them the light is still at the top of the well, and it can give them the power to climb.

Forgive?

So this may not be the best time to blog, seeing as I'm ticked off at a friend. Yet emotion can breed truth and expression of said truth. Not that I'm capable of hiding my feelings. I'm an "in your grill" kinda person.

What am I ticked off about? Well that's really not anyone's business save mine and the person facing my tantrum. I do bring it up for a reason besides behaving childishly and publicly announcing my ire.

For those who have not met me, I have a wicked bad temper. For those who have met me, you are probably thinking "Holy Understatement Batman!"

The point, and yes there is one, is that one has to understand their weaknesses, short comings, or dare I say faults, before one can fix them. Self improvement is the name of the game here people, and the only way to do that is look in the mirror, scrape off the protective rhetoric, and say "Mornin' Sunshine, you dysfunctional mess!"

There are two sides to every conflict. That is two participants, be they armies battle bound by oath and duty, or children squabbling over a toy. Both people are responsible for their actions. Both need to look inside themselves and realize that conflict can be resolved, and that with cooler heads, can be avoided.

So this brings me back to my rather charming personality resembling an irritated Siamese Cat coupled with the tact of a D8 bulldozer (and those are my good qualities). I could have helped to avoid conflict with my friend by not allowing my temper get raised. I have plenty of self control, all of the tools for conflict resolution, and enough experience to know that allowing myself to get upset is really not helping anything.

But the conflict hurt my feelings (yes I do have them) and I reacted emotionally. I didn't use the tools I have for dealing with conflict. I actually feel quite sheepish that I allowed myself to handle things in a less positive way.

So learn from my mistakes and try not to make them again. Dragons are known for being quick to anger, but we are even quicker to forgive. Maybe it makes up for something. Maybe it just gives me something else to work on.

Skydiving in Arizona

My friend Wendy brought her nephew Brian (centre) down to the drop zone on Monday 19/1/09. He is about 5 years old. He told us that he wanted to be a skydiver when he grows up, that he will jump every day, and he wanted to have his picture taken with a skydiver in all their gear (too cute).

I called my friend Blair (left) over and we took the shot. He got 2 divers for the price of one, lol. Then Blair and I got on the plane and did an 8 way jump with Lyal, Mark, Stan, Mark, Kevin, and Sandi. It was a lot of fun. Wendy and Brian spent the day watching us jump and had a great time seeing us come in to land.

Blue sky's guys!
Lisa

Muse

It would seem that San Shou class is my muse. We worked on knife drills tonight, and those who know me understand what that means... Sifu is in a great mood now! We did fastest disarm, 2 man 1 knife game, and the major artery/tendon attack techniques. Boo-Yah!

I find myself wanting to journal after this class, which is very unusual as I would prefer to smash my head into a solid brick wall repeatedly than journal. Maybe I should play with knives more often. Could work.

A couple of the boys stayed after class to spar with one of our female students who is having some confidence issues in that area. You just know I had to play too. So the students worked together for a while and then I gloved up and had a go.

It was fun. I enjoy sparring and am glad that I am healthy enough to start doing it again. I'm rusty as an old spring, and my hip problem doesn't help, but it was still good. I worked up a sweat and had a chuckle. Apparently I have a perma-grin that was described as the "your gona pay" smile.

After the gloves came off, we chatted for a bit. One of the guys said that no matter who he talks to, everyone says the same thing. Martial arts changes lives. It's true, and it does so much so subtly that all of a sudden you wake up and wonder who was that jerk you used to be. At least I do.

So to the people who continue to change my life for the better, every last student, training mate, and member of my kung fu family..... Thanks. Now go practice or I'll kick you butt!

Talking to Myself Again

I helped out with the San Shou class tonight. Peter was running it, and I was doing my daily 150's in the back of the room, followed by some light sparring with Randy. Then when the actual matches started, Randy and I corner judged. Up to that point my only contribution to the class was sucking up oxygen. What was I contributing to my students by doing my own thing?

Is it motivating for my guys to see me turning red and sweating. Counting my pushups 20 at a time, only to try to make it 25 per set for next week.... then 30, and so on.

Maybe, maybe not. I remember as a student not even noticing anyone else working out. It was just me and my goal. My will alone against my objective. I realize this sounds narsarsistic , but that is how I approached it. That was my world. Look out for yourself, cover your own back, because if you don't there will be knives in it. It was just me, and a whole lot of darkness.

What I did find profound and amazing is the talks after class. I hung on every word Master Brinker said. In my tangled and very rough history of life, there was sense, calm, and order to be found. An eye in the storm as it were. Those talks saved my life, not the kicking and punching, not the pushups and sit ups, not the achieving of belts with single minded determination.

The idea that there was light in the world. That there were choices and that control of one's destiny was attainable. For all the terrible things I survived, I had not lived. Kung fu's principles, and the belief my instructor had in me, taught me to trust other human beings. Taught me to be more than an angry, jaded, vengeful teenager. It got me an education, got me to quit smoking, reinforced my resolve not to get involved with drugs. But most of all, it kept me from attempting suicide again. Yes again.

I remember telling Travis Panasiuk that changing your life is like climbing a ladder. I had gone through many of the struggles he was facing. I told him that he was on the ladder, below him, trying to pull him down was his past. The people he cared about but were not always good for him. Many of them would try to pull him down off the ladder. To keep him from rising above what they have accepted as their life. I told him to remember to look up. Above him on that ladder were the people who wanted him to succeed. For every person below trying to stop him, there were many more, trying to pull him up. Trying to help him achieve his dreams. I had a long talk with him the night before he died, and the last thing I said was that he was going to be alright. That we believed in him. Less than 12 hours later he was killed in a car accident.

It's not the pushups, but the compassion. I told our guys tonight that they have to remember the balance. Power with control, assertiveness with empathy, but always compassion.

What are we but cold angry beings, if not for our ability to feel the warmth of others? To participate in their success, to mourn their sorrow. I've lived on the other side of empathy. Feeling only the anger and receiving only the abuse of others. It made me very hard, unforgiving, and above all angry. If not for the intent behind the lesson, I would not be who I am today. With out the talks at the end of class, I doubt very much I would be alive.

So no, I don't think my sweating and pushing myself physically has helped my students. I feel my contribution tonight was the reminder that we are all fragile in one way or another, and that we have the ability to empathize. An ability we need to use and encourage others to develop. It is about balance.

Hope you guys enjoy this blog, because when I come to my senses it's getting deleted. I'm not so much of a sharing, fuzzy feelings type, and there is a lot of very personal information here that I'm sure I'll regret posting. But in the mean time, find your passion, live your beliefs, and take some friends along for the ride.