Inside the Well

I have heard many people say that suicide is the "cowards" way out. That it's senseless, selfish, the ultimate form of self pity.

To these people I say "Cram it! You clearly don't know what you are talking about."

Have you ever been inside the well? Have you ever been in the dark with no way out? Have you ever said your prayers at night asking not to wake up the next day, to simply die in your sleep? Have you ever asked why you exist if not for the pleasure others get from your torment? Have you ever cried yourself to sleep every night for years asking what you did to deserve this? Have you ever looked down the tunnel and seen the light disappear?

Some of you are thinking, nothing could be that bad. There is always hope, always power to change your circumstances, always a way out, all you have to do is ask for help.... allow me to enlighten you.

Don't get me wrong, I am by no means defending suicide, nor saying it is a way to solve your problems. What I am saying is that until you have lived that despair, pain, depression, fear, self loathing, with no self value, you are not qualified to pass judgement on one who has. Walk a mile in their shoes as it were. It's the longest mile you will ever walk.

There are ways out, agreed, but Can you imagine what it is like not to know that. Not to feel that there is anywhere you can turn. To be that truly alone. Not wanting to die, but seeing no other alternative. Can you imagine that place?

I hope you can't.

I don't have to imagine it. I've been there, I've lived it, and I have to tell you it changes a person.

I was "bullied". That is the term most commonly used. I was abused, tortured, experienced things that an adult would be arrested for doing to another human being. Yet the people who "bullied" me were never punished. It was never dealt with by the people "responsible" for my safety... as it was their children who inflicted the pain. Ironic isn't it?

For example, one day I came home with welts around my throat the exact pattern of the chain the boy had wrapped around my neck and choked me with. Choked me severely enough that the bruises lasted a long time. Another day the game was seeing who could make me cry, by any means. Unfortunately for them, I had over heard the plan, and refused to give them the satisfaction of breaking down. There were several bruises that day. That was only two days out of 9 years.

By age 10 I was vomiting blood from bleeding ulcers induced by stress. By 13 I was bulimic. I followed all the steps, tell a teacher, tell your parents, find help. The staff just kept assuring my parents they were taking care of it and that what I was telling them was inaccurate. That there was no need to change schools, everything would be fine. By 14, the light in the tunnel went out.

9 years and I was helpless to do anything to change my situation. I was a child, by law forced to go to school. Home schooling was not an option at that time. I was unable to get help from the people in charge, unable to remove myself from the situation, and unable to convince anyone that things were as bad as I said. What was I to do save learn to live in the dark, and finally try to leave it.

It's easy to say that It's only a few years. There was not much more time before you are out of there, and it's all over. When you have lived your life (age 5 to 14) in pain, every kind of pain, can anyone really expect you to see the difference a few more years makes. When every day is a lifetime, one you would give anything to avoid, one you don't know if you will literally survive, a few more years just isn't that small of a commitment.

So again, until you have walked that mile, seen life from inside the well, rethink your words. Empathy is important, but it is more than something we say. How do you help someone find hope, if you think it's right there in front of them. You might see it, but that doesn't mean they do. It doesn't mean telling them it's right in front of them is going to make the difference. But sometimes, all it takes is someone to listen, really listen, with out judgment. Sometimes that's enough to show them the light is still at the top of the well, and it can give them the power to climb.