I am - A Redneck with a Truck

I have been reading the I am project blogs, and thinking a lot about their purpose. They are indeed a very powerful tool of self reflection, discovery, motivation, and accountability. All of us see ourselves in a certain light, and we understand that others see us from their perspective, but what does this truly mean? How many of us see ourselves accurately from another's point of view. Do we know about our lil' quirks? (I twirl my hair with my left hand, among other little annoying traits) Have we truly empathized and seen how our words and actions have affected another? Have we come to terms with the darkness inside ourselves, and accepted it as part of who we are? How else do we chase away the darkness if we do not shine the light into it? Take that look into our souls and understand that the only way to change what we don't want to see, is to first see it? To understand what needs to be fixed, to get the tools required to complete the change, and to have the desire and commitment to see it through to the end.

What do you say when you finish the statement I AM?

I have no doubts that there are those on the planet that see me as the living incarnation of evil. Just as there are those I see in a similar light. My brother's ex girlfriend comes to mind. I once referred to her, much to my sister's enduring entertainment, as "A vicious happiness sucking vulture from $%^&". Not one of my finer moments, but I've never claimed to be perfect.

Do they really see ME? What do they say about me, and who am I to them? Some people have described me as the most focused person they have ever met. Others use words like fierce and mean. I've been described as having the charm of a pit bull or an angry cat. Others still use words like loyal, determined, shallow, boisterous, cold, intimidating, warm, protective, goofy, and so forth. Polar opposites, yet all describing the same person from a unique perspective.

How would those who are intimidated feel if they saw me at work? Singing "I'm a little acorn brown" to Julie just to get a rise out of her? Or sneaking up on someone, or doing one of a thousand silly things we do to each other for fun? Practical jokes and trying to scare the pants off each other is a daily pastime. (Pam got me really good this afternoon. Payback is harsh but at least now I can stop watching my back)

How many people know that someone I care about could call me in the middle of the night from the other side of the world and say they needed me, just to have me get on the next flight out? Even if I had to ride on the wheel, I would find a way to get to them.

Do they know that I love animals? More importantly, do they know why? Animals don't lie, don't use, they simply are. You can trust an animal to be what it is at all times, they are purely honest. When you have been burned as often and as bad as I have, you learn to value that. You learn to be careful who you trust and to make people earn their way into your life. It can be lonely at times, but the ones that do get in, well you know they are there for the long haul.

Do people know that Sifu Hayes continues to shake his head at me because I remembered his kitten's name is Pepper? I happen to like kittens and thought it was a cute name. I have a brain like a strainer, only chance knows what will stick and what will slip through the cracks.

Do they know that I feel things very deeply, and for the long term? Most people don't think things get through, or that it doesn't get to me. The fact is, I've lived years where the only way to survive is to lock down and fight my way out. I may appear that it doesn't penetrate the shell, but rest assured, everything comes in. I simply, aggressively, decide what has power and what doesn't. It's your choice what and who you allow to affect you. For good or bad, health and damage, we chose to allow others to influence us. We are hurt because we give that power. Just remember, we give the power for a reason.

So what am I? I am a redneck with a truck. I have a jack knife in my purse, fencing staples in my cup holders (in a brand new truck to boot), 3 horses, a dog, a cow, some barn cats and have been froshed with 8 pies with out spilling my drink for my 100th jump. I love John Wayne movies, and never turn down a chance to 2 step. I work hard, and play even harder. I like sitting around a fire with my friends, and watching movies with my family.

I am a passionate person a try to be a good person. Some times I succeed, sometimes I fail. But I take those failures, and make myself see them for what they are. MY FAILURE. Something I chose to do, of my own free will, for selfish motivation. I learn from it, try to see how it has affected myself and those around me, and move on with the intention of doing better in the future.

Am I fierce, intense, gentile, warm? Am I any of those things or something entirely different? Perhaps a combination of strange contradictions? I don't know. I'm just a person, human, one who is prone to weakness and temptation like everyone else.